A transcript from a show that will never happen:

Welcome to CNN Money Morning. Today we have William the Conqueror, CEO of Norman Corp., which just posted its quarterly numbers. Welcome to our show, Mr. Conqueror.

"Thanks, call me Bill."

Great. Those numbers looked a little flat; can you tell us about them?

"Yes. The economy is down and our chain mail isn't selling. ... Our chief accountant here at Norman Corp. suggested labeling our repair bills as 'investments' so that this quarter's results will look better. ... His head now adorns my wall ... We will not use numbers to lie about the fact that we aren't selling enough chain mail."

Wow, how'd the rest of your staff feel about that?

"They get the hint."

Still, your numbers aren't great. Aren't you afraid that the Street will react badly ...

"Yeah, well, they can get over it. I'm not going to twist the situation just to make some analysts' guesses about my business look good. Sometimes you take a beating for a little while to ultimately win a battle. And the stock is going to do better in the long run if we keep our eye on the fundamentals of our business. If business is off for three months you have to figure out how to fix the business ... not cover it up."

Sounds like what Fed chief Alan Greenspan was suggesting when he talked to the Senate Banking Committee earlier this week. He suggested that CEOs should tell auditors that they aren't doing management "any favors" by managing numbers. Rather, they are robbing management of useful performance indicators.

"He is wise and when he retires he will be an elder on our boardroom council. My council is independent and strong. I do not want sheep who would fawn and cringe at my words. I want brave warlords who will help me win battles. Not sheep."

Any plans to relocate your company? Some companies are moving offshore to avoid taxes...

"The weak always run. If their business was strong they wouldn't try to hide. And they are the worst kind of cowards. Our nation's armies fight for us. Our nation gives us roads and schools. It gives us a safe, stable environment to do business in. And yet these companies will work to elude its demands for a handful of gold. I spit at them. We will stay here, in our land."

You recently acquired a company based in Bermuda, though, right? Won't the executives there object?

"We're burning their homes. They'll move back here."

Bill, there's been some criticism about how much you are paid.

"I'm paid a lot. And we make sure everyone knows how much I get paid. Why? Because I'm worth it and can justify it. I don't have to hide it behind a lot options and footnotes nonsense. It's pretty simple. If I win, I get first pick of the booty. If I don't, I don't get any. I don't understand those companies that pay CEOs extraordinary sums when they are losing battles. Must be a Saxon thing."

What about the recent accounting scandals. Any comment?

More outrage? Click me!

"We've ceased doing business with companies under indictment. Sure, they should get their day in court but quite frankly, we have our honor to think about. If you lie with dogs you get fleas, know what I mean? Anyway, their leaders shouldn't have let their company's behavior get to the point where their honor is questioned. When it gets to that point, you fall on your sword. Of course, behead those in your company who betrayed you first. If you are smart and watchful, you behead them well before they can do real damage to your honor."

Like the accountant you mentioned earlier?

"Yeah, like him."

What do you think about Congress' moves to beef up accounting regulation?

"It is sad that my fellow CEOs lack such honor as to require the action in the first place. But the current crop of CEOs were not brought up in the live-by-your-word, die-by-your-sword style like I was. Wall Street civilization has made it easy to lie. They obviously need more deterrents to keep them in line. I've traditionally used death and pain, but hey, whatever works."

Mr. Conqueror -- Bill -- I've enjoyed talking to you. America needs more CEOs like you.

"Yes, we do."  

Allen Wastler is Managing Editor of CNN/Money and a commentator on CNNfn. He can be e-mailed here.