'Tis the season to be jolly,
And to recall corporate folly.
For the year was rich in intrigue and sin,
And that is where the mirth begins.
Lyin', stealin', and cheatin', too
Sure was a helluva 2002.
So let us now turn to the newsmakers
Each of whom made headlines by the acre:

Dennis Kozlowski
Dennis Kozlowski almost did Rikers!
Imagine, penned up with thieves, crooks, 'n' bikers
That was when he barely made bail.
Now one thing is certain about that musty jail
There's no $10K shower curtain to shield you from view
No nude ice sculptures peeing vodka pour vous.
But Dennis has so far avoided this fate
And for now the big man from Tyco sits and waits.

Bernie Ebbers
Praise the Lord! I haven't been indicted!
And for that you should be excited!
WorldCom and me you see,
Have split up rather easily.
What I mean to say is that all that skullduggery
Wasn't perpetrated by me;
I knew nothing of fraud or malfeasance.
In fact I haven't been near the company since
I got me a big fat pay day.
And now I simply go to church to pray.

Stephen Case
Steve is a braver man than me,
Locking horns with the king of cable TV.
Remember he turned up the burner
under Ted Turner.
While cameras were clicking,
Steve's fingers were flicking
The devil's horns behind Ted's head
(For that, Steve could wind up dead!).
Not really of course, but he could get booted,
If AOL's new strategy proves too convoluted.

Eliot Spitzer
He's the good guy, like Harry Potter,
Turns them analysts into cannon fodder!
Blasting Merrill and Morgan and Goldman too,
Hey CSFB, Spitz's spotlight's on you!
With his balding dome and lantern jaw,
Why, Harvey Pitt resigned in awe!
So will Eliot end up one day in Albany,
Or maybe even Washington D.C?
Stay tuned, it'll be on live TV.

Martha Stewart
It's not a good thing,
When your broker gets dinged,
And the Feds say you're lying through your teeth;
(Though those teeth have been flossed),
Like a salad, your reputation has been tossed,
All over the set with Jane Clayson!
But here's a question for the Feds:
Have you lost your heads?
You dog poor Martha like a hound,
But so far, an indictment is nowhere to be found!
So why not just give up instead!

Sallie Krawcheck
Our gal Sal,
Has become the investor's biggest pal.
And will now try to set Citi straight.
But she'll have to use all cunning and guile,
To deal with CEO Sandy Weill
And prevent another Citigate.

Carly Fiorina
Merger maven?
Your critics are craven,
When they attach this name to thee.
Now that Capellas has left,
Are you feeling bereft,
Or, perhaps just a little lonely?
At the moment things seem to be working,
Investors' chains you aren't jerking.
At least that is what you would have us believe.

Harvey Pitt
I'm just wild about Harvey,
but my vote doesn't count.
The president wasn't wild about Harvey,
And his respect you don't flount.
And that is why Harvey is now a "was,"
(As in "was" the head of the SEC).
So it's goodbye investors,
And IRS tax collectors,
Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea.

Michael Eisner
Oh? Are you still here?
I thought your time had come and gone,
then again I could be wrong.
"Treasure Planet" was a bomb,
And so if you had aplomb,
You would look into a camera one day
And simply say,
"I'm going to Disneyland!"
For that shareholders would strike up the band.

Jack Welch
Divorce, Connecticut-style!
Well, it may take a while...
And cost a lot, too,
For Jacko (and his Suzi-Q).
To pay off his ex,
A lawyer by trade
Who says, "The furnishings are custom-made!
I'll sue you for $500 million,
Or maybe a zillion!
I'll need plenty to show.
As the chauffer drives on to Milano..."

------

Andrew Serwer is editor-at-large of Fortune magazine.

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