Mom spends more on my sister's kids

Do grandparents have an ethical obligation to spend equal amounts on grand kids?

By Jeanne Fleming, PH.D., and Leonard Schwarz

NEW YORK (Money) -- Question: I have two children, and my sister has one. Recently, my mother has begun "helping" with my niece's expenses.

First it was clothes, then a computer, then one-on-one tutoring.

do_the_right_thing.03.jpg
Money Magazine's ethicists are consultants who advise attorneys on people's ethical beliefs. E-mail them at right_thing@moneymail.com.

Meanwhile, Mom has never offered my wife and me a dime of help with our kids. While it's true we make more than my sister and brother-in-law, they're not what anyone would call "needy" - and we have more kids to support.

Isn't my mother being unfair?

Answer: Not necessarily. While parents have a moral obligation to not play favorites with their children as they grow up, things are a little different for grandparents.

In particular, it's not unusual - or wrong - for a grandparent to become closer to one grandchild than another. Sometimes the reason is proximity, sometimes it's temperament, sometimes it's the amount of attention the grandchild gives them.

There's no rule that says every grandchild must be treated exactly the same when the relationships are different. And there is also no rule that requires your mother to give your family money just because she's given money to your sister's.

While we can understand your annoyance if Sis is unfairly playing the poor relation card, the fact remains that the money at issue belongs to your mother and is hers to do with as she wishes.

This said, your mother does have an obligation to not slight your children and to not signal to them that she favors your sister's child. While she's free to spend more money on your niece and to devote more attention to her, your mother shouldn't be revealing to your kids how much more she is doing for her other grandchild - and neither should you.

Recent questions answered:

'My son spends my gifts to my grandson. What should I do?'

When to blow the whistle on friends

Siblings squabble over Mom's estate

'Must I tell bosses about an illness?'

'Should I pay off Uncles who say Dad owed them money?'

'Should I pay for my boyfriend's insurance?'

Sibling rivalry: 'My brother is trying to stiff me'

Does a fat cat's kid deserve special treatment?

My kids' friends are breaking our bank

My accountant recommends some aggressive deductions - is he going too far?

I gambled away $7,500, must I tell dad?  Top of page

Most stock quote data provided by BATS. Market indices are shown in real time, except for the DJIA, which is delayed by two minutes. All times are ET. Disclaimer. Morningstar: © 2018 Morningstar, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Factset: FactSet Research Systems Inc. 2018. All rights reserved. Chicago Mercantile Association: Certain market data is the property of Chicago Mercantile Exchange Inc. and its licensors. All rights reserved. Dow Jones: The Dow Jones branded indices are proprietary to and are calculated, distributed and marketed by DJI Opco, a subsidiary of S&P Dow Jones Indices LLC and have been licensed for use to S&P Opco, LLC and CNN. Standard & Poor's and S&P are registered trademarks of Standard & Poor's Financial Services LLC and Dow Jones is a registered trademark of Dow Jones Trademark Holdings LLC. All content of the Dow Jones branded indices © S&P Dow Jones Indices LLC 2018 and/or its affiliates.

Most stock quote data provided by BATS. Market indices are shown in real time, except for the DJIA, which is delayed by two minutes. All times are ET. Disclaimer. Morningstar: © 2018 Morningstar, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Factset: FactSet Research Systems Inc. 2018. All rights reserved. Chicago Mercantile Association: Certain market data is the property of Chicago Mercantile Exchange Inc. and its licensors. All rights reserved. Dow Jones: The Dow Jones branded indices are proprietary to and are calculated, distributed and marketed by DJI Opco, a subsidiary of S&P Dow Jones Indices LLC and have been licensed for use to S&P Opco, LLC and CNN. Standard & Poor's and S&P are registered trademarks of Standard & Poor's Financial Services LLC and Dow Jones is a registered trademark of Dow Jones Trademark Holdings LLC. All content of the Dow Jones branded indices © S&P Dow Jones Indices LLC 2018 and/or its affiliates.