What purchases spouses hide from each other

chart_purchases.top.gif By MP Dunleavey, contributing editor


(MONEY Magazine) -- You'd never want to outright lie to your spouse about your spending, but if a little fudging may help avoid a fight, what's the harm? Or so you figure.

Some 80% of all married people hide some purchases from their mates, according to a 2010 survey by CESI Debt Solutions. (And men are actually somewhat more likely to routinely do so than women.)

But just because it's common doesn't mean it's right. Experts say that little green lies do have the potential to damage your finances and your relationship. Fortunately there are ways to keep your marriage whole without revealing every dime you spend.

Why we keep secrets

Putting aside any pathology (like an addiction or compulsion), the reason most couples hide what they spend is simple: "You're avoiding conflict or criticism from your partner," says psychologist Brad Klontz, co-author of Mind Over Money.

Most money fights start with finger-pointing -- "How could you spend $300 on a new sweater/Blu-ray player?" -- but the object and price aren't really the issue, Klontz says. You're really arguing about a clash of values. Rather than talk about these differences in advance of buying something, it's often easier to sweep purchases under the rug.

When it's a problem

Given that fudging may prevent fights, you might argue that there's a place for discretion, and you'd be right -- up to a point. "All couples need privacy," says Barbara Nusbaum, a New York City psychologist who focuses on money issues. But you must balance that need with the need for accountability. "Not telling is fine," adds Klontz, "as long as you don't start deceiving."

Some couples manage their spending without sharing anything, Klontz explains. If they've agreed to operate autonomously, that's acceptable. On the other hand, choosing not to tell your spouse about purchases without an explicit agreement to practice nondisclosure is a form of deception, he says, and that can be ruinous to the relationship.

If you're not sure where your behavior falls, "ask yourself, 'If my partner found out, would this damage the trust between us?' " says Nusbaum. The most dire signal is that your habits are hindering progress toward your common goals. Other red flags: You hide bills or receipts, you have an account your mate doesn't know about, or you've involved the kids by saying, "Don't tell Mom/Dad."

How to make privacy work

Every couple should articulate a privacy policy -- whether that means a dollar amount you can spend at one time, a monthly stash of mad money, or certain categories (kids or work expenses) that don't require discussion. Then set up a trial period of 30 days, says Klontz, "because you'll probably want to renegotiate."

If one or both of you have a long history of hiding, you'll also need to discuss the gap between your values. Don't dwell on purchases or amounts, says Nusbaum, but each express what's behind your spending, like helping family or enjoying down-time. That can aid understanding.

Above all, you must accept that you may never fully persuade your partner over to your side of the aisle -- which is why, Klontz says, "it's important to stop trying to convince each other and move toward a workable compromise."  To top of page

Frontline troops push for solar energy
The U.S. Marines are testing renewable energy technologies like solar to reduce costs and casualties associated with fossil fuels. Play
25 Best Places to find rich singles
Looking for Mr. or Ms. Moneybags? Hunt down the perfect mate in these wealthy cities, which are brimming with unattached professionals. More
Fun festivals: Twins to mustard to pirates!
You'll see double in Twinsburg, Ohio, and Ketchup lovers should beware in Middleton, WI. Here's some of the best and strangest town festivals. Play
Overnight Avg Rate Latest Change Last Week
30 yr fixed4.41%4.44%
15 yr fixed3.33%3.31%
5/1 ARM3.34%3.55%
30 yr refi4.39%4.41%
15 yr refi3.31%3.30%
Rate data provided
by Bankrate.com
View rates in your area
 
Find personalized rates:
Index Last Change % Change
Dow 16,424.85 162.29 1.00%
Nasdaq 4,086.23 52.07 1.29%
S&P 500 1,862.31 19.33 1.05%
Treasuries 2.64 0.01 0.34%
Data as of 7:40pm ET
Company Price Change % Change
Bank of America Corp... 16.13 -0.26 -1.59%
Facebook Inc 59.72 0.63 1.07%
Yahoo! Inc 36.35 2.14 6.26%
Intel Corp 26.93 0.16 0.60%
Alcoa Inc 13.42 0.37 2.84%
Data as of 4:02pm ET

Sections

The company continues to struggle with convincing marketers to pay as much for mobile ads as they do for desktop ads. More

Observers are warning that risks of a blow up in China's property market are rising, threatening a slowdown that could hurt global growth. More

The company continues to struggle with convincing marketers to pay as much for mobile ads as they do for desktop ads. More

Schwinn, Trek and Cannondale are all iconic American bicycle brands. But none of them are made in the United States. More

Pamela Knighton, a 51-year-old social worker from Cuthbert, Ga. who earns less than $25,000 a year, had been really looking forward to her $4,300 tax refund last year. More

Market indexes are shown in real time, except for the DJIA, which is delayed by two minutes. All times are ET. Disclaimer LIBOR Warning: Neither BBA Enterprises Limited, nor the BBA LIBOR Contributor Banks, nor Reuters, can be held liable for any irregularity or inaccuracy of BBA LIBOR. Disclaimer. Morningstar: © 2014 Morningstar, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Disclaimer The Dow Jones IndexesSM are proprietary to and distributed by Dow Jones & Company, Inc. and have been licensed for use. All content of the Dow Jones IndexesSM © 2014 is proprietary to Dow Jones & Company, Inc. Chicago Mercantile Association. The market data is the property of Chicago Mercantile Exchange Inc. and its licensors. All rights reserved. FactSet Research Systems Inc. 2014. All rights reserved. Most stock quote data provided by BATS.