(FORTUNE Magazine) – We have been meaning to write about the college commencement scene for several Junes now and to register this funny feeling that some will doubtless diagnose as neoconservative paranoia but that happens to verge on a powerful insight. To state it boldly, the whole scene is still being staged by the liberals. Yes, friends, we hypothesize that even in the Amiable Eighties, when success-striving by yuppies is said to have replaced causism on the campuses, the educators of America are still basically scared that their callow charges will commit passionate protest and so when it is time to arrange for public profundities the system gravitates to the Geraldines and Marios of this world, and where are the hard-liners? That is our question, and its relevance was fortified by the 145 stories served up via Nexis the other day when our favorite computerized information retriever was told to display all post-April newspaper, wire service, and magazine stories in which ''commencement'' appears within 30 words of ''address.'' The stories reported only a few sightings of speakers unloved by liberals. Education Secretary Bill Bennett spoke at Brooklyn College and triggered a demonstration. Paul Volcker spoke at Harvard, where protesters threw a pound of liver at him but somehow missed. And President Napoleon Duarte of El Salvador spoke at Notre Dame, whose authorities upheld the First Amendment by setting aside a special area for the hundreds of students wishing to idealistically protest his appearance and/or existence. Fortifying the protesters was Cable News Network boss Ted Turner, who also spoke at Notre Dame and told Duarte that Central America would be a better place if we sent more tractors and fewer tanks. Nobody protested or even asked to see Ted's research. The typical story kicked out by Nexis featured a lovable liberal speaker positioning himself as sympathetic to the cause of compassion and yet critical of excessive megatonnage. This was definitely Mario Cuomo's line. The Empire State chieftain actually made it onto 11 campuses this year, where he stunned nobody by favoring ''the politics of inclusion.'' Speaking at Rochester, Mario stated that if the young generation did not accept its responsibility to make government fairer, then ''violence will increase.'' Nobody asked to see Mario's research either. Other headlines were garnered by Tip O'Neill, who opined at Tufts that we should dialogize with the Sandinistas; by Marian Wright Edelman of the Children's Defense Fund, who got free time at Barnard to uphold the Great Society; and by Geraldine Ferraro, who showed up at Hunter and not only came out for fairness but proceeded to define it in precise operational terms, establishing once and for all that it means continued federal assistance for students from over-$32,000 families. Gerry's remarks were followed by a scene not normally considered appropriate to ceremonial academic occasions, although older readers may recall something like it in the opening minutes of Horse Feathers, when the president of Huxley College, played by Groucho, did a fair amount of quite strenuous dancing while belting out ''I Always Get My Man.'' The president of Hunter College, played by Donna E. Shalala, pulled a somewhat similar act, although she cagily substituted the lyrics of ''We Are the World.'' As the New York Times soberly reported, ''Hundreds of students linked arms and danced in the aisles during the singing, and nearly 200 faculty members seated on the dais rose to their feet and joined in.'' It was unclear from the account whether any other faculty members protested. If they did, we bet no area was set aside for them.