(FORTUNE Magazine) – Aquarius (January 21 to February 19): With Uranus lumbering around and making everybody nuts, you may find yourself feeling like squeezing an associate in an inappropriate fashion. Don't. Watch out for Pisces, by the way. He's jealous of your position in the zodiac and wants to eat your lunch. The way things are going with serving portions these days--tiny stacks of vertical greens drizzled in bizarre vinegar on enormous plates--each lunch serves only one. Make sure that's you no matter who's paying for it.

Pisces (February 20 to March 20): There's an Aquarius out there who means trouble for you. For some reason he's suspicious, combative. So quick--stomp on him in public meetings and take over part of his job description. Keep in mind, however, that he's been warned about you and is probably armed. On the lighter side, Mercury isn't just rising, he's practically beaming up to the mother ship. You can't go wrong by playing on other people's emotions.

Aries (March 21 to April 20): You're a peace-loving soul with a tremendous ability to lose yourself in other people's agendas, make them better, then fade into the woodwork while they take the credit and the stock options. In other words--you're a chump. What's the matter with you, huh? But where there's life, there's hope, and this month there's opportunity. With Capricorn butting up against the side of your house like Charlie Sheen at a bachelor party, you've got power to burn. Don't waste it. Target your options. Engineer your solutions. Mount a campaign. You can do it, and you will. People like you. Good luck!

Taurus (April 21 to May 21): Aries is on a stupid positive- thinking kick. Now's the time to come up behind him and push him into the swamp, where the alligators will eat him. But he's not your worst adversary, pal. Your worst adversary is yourself. You know, people would like you if you weren't so darned aggressive. Still, there's aggressive and there's aggressive. With the moon in the eighth house and Saturn doing the Macarena on six continents, it's time to kick back and take stock. Life isn't just about winning and losing. It's about money as well. And certainly sex too, although let's not talk about that now.

Gemini (May 22 to June 21): While Taurus is dealing with Aries, sneak around to the back of his house and break in. Once you're inside, find the computer on the desk in the small makeshift study at the top of the stairs. Quietly boot up the machine and copy all the diskettes marked "Binty." Then slip out the side window. Don't worry about getting caught. Pluto floats in the 16th house like a gas bubble, so you've got the chops to get the job done. Once you're safely clear, sell the information to Microsoft, which one day will control all intellectual property benignly and to our mutual benefit.

Cancer (June 22 to July 23): You're the idealist, the dreamer, the one who wants to think the best of people. Fortunately for you, Venus is ascendant, Jupiter is declining, and Neptune has water in his ears. Seize this moment to help those who can't help themselves by purchasing tickets to expensive black-tie banquets. Once there, you can have fun with industry chums and do well by doing good at the same time. Take as many people out to expensive lunches as you can get away with. This has nothing to do with your horoscope. It's just damn good advice.

Leo (July 24 to August 23): Corruption is everywhere. Thanks to your properties as the vigilant lion of the zodiac, however, you're aware of the weaknesses of friend and foe alike. Cancer, for instance, is into feathering his nest with prestigious hobnobbing and face sucking. Using your sidelong, scuttling style, slide into Virgo's office and inform him that Cancer's expense account could bear some looking into. He'll take it from there.

Virgo (August 24 to September 23): That Leo is a good guy, isn't he? Real straight shooter. You'll want to start that audit on Cancer right away. Wow. Look at that $300 dinner at the Hilton last week! Don't you wonder who that was with? Find out! You're a probing, investigative type with intellectual muscle to spare--that's why you went into accounting! Oh, one last thing: Make sure you get invited to the retreat at Sanibel Island in the fourth quarter. Anyone who isn't there will be dust.

Libra (September 24 to October 23): Incoming fire from human resources may enrage you to the point you're tempted to engage with the problem on an executive level. Scream at a subordinate instead. There's never a bad time for that, so why not give it a try? And don't forget, as you make up that invitation list for the upcoming Sanibel retreat, that bad vibrations from intrusive Virgos and Scorpios could wreck the ambiance of the meeting. It should be small and tasty, with plenty of time for interchange. Keep that list lean and selective. It will pay off for you as the stars move into the next quadrant.

Scorpio (October 24 to November 22): That repulsive Libra with the small potbelly is trying to keep you out of the Sanibel thing. Focus on destabilizing him. Take him out with senior management. For that you'll need courage, because infighting can be scary. And with your stars in quizzical alignment you don't have a superfluity of guts right now. This means you should probably start drinking immediately. Nothing before noon, naturally, but at lunch any serious hitter should be able to handle a martini, a couple of glasses of wine. Don't forget the grappa!

Sagittarius (November 23 to December 21): Okay. Scorpio is drunk on her butt. Everyone else is fighting. Juno is in the last house on the left with Kukla, Fran, and Ollie. Get with the chairman and grab some face time. He's lonely, and he longs to just kick back with somebody thoughtful like you. Be bold. Even the King needs friends.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 20): Oh boy. What's this now? Who's that moron at your door with a beamish expression? Oh, no! He's coming in! He's sitting down! He's ... talking! Close your eyes. Maybe this is all a dream, and you're actually on a golf course. In fact, with Venus rising and Juno on the 19th green, now is the time to sneak away. Go ahead! Get outta there before Taurus comes in and tears your ears off!

If today is your birthday: Today all planets are warm and toasty. The moon is rising. Why are you listening to all this stuff? Don't you have anything better to do? The future lies not in the stars, but in ourselves. So have some cake and give yourself a pat on the back. You're the one who got you here. Happy birthday, stargazer!

STANLEY BING is an executive at a FORTUNE 500 company he'd rather not name, and his sign is a secret too!