(FORTUNE Magazine) – From Ford Broncos to Coke cans, the history of American scandal is the history of product placement. Even Watergate, the mother of all scandals, was essentially a years-long plug for a Washington luxury hotel and residence. But our current soap opera outplugs them all, thanks to the shopping efforts of Monica Lewinsky, marketer's dream, thoughtful gift buyer, and consumer moyenne sensuelle.

Thanks to our Monica, Kenneth Starr's 445-page report reads like a time capsule of late-'90s mall culture--duds from Gap, a mug from Starbucks, Nicholas Sparks' bestseller The Notebook, couture from Hugo Boss. As for the Altoids, ahem...read for yourself. And with the possibility of televised impeachment hearings, the tie-in process may have just begun.

The Starr Report revealed, for example, that the scandal's most famous inadvertent plug was only the first half of a promotional double play. Weeks after FBI lab tests on the Gap dress determined that it is not only khakis that swing, Gap Inc. lucked into a second plug: On May 24, 1997, Lewinsky gave Clinton a "casual shirt" from the company's top-tier chain, Banana Republic. What better way to reinforce a multilevel branding strategy? Need something simple, appropriate for the office or a date (or both at once)? Plain-vanilla Gap is your store. Need a gift to wow the boss or that special someone (or both at once)? Only Banana Republic will do.

Granted, the much-noted "ick factor" would make a name-drop in the Starr Report less than welcome in most marketing departments. It's hard to imagine, for example, any cigar manufacturer stepping forward as the President's chosen smoke. Or is it? A cigarmaker might be exactly the sort of enterprise--a boutique brand in an obscure luxury field--best positioned for a succes de scandale. Take Bruno Magli, whose association with bloody footprints didn't keep its sales from spiking 50% during the O.J. Simpson murder trial. Likewise, Lewinsky gave instant notoriety to Ermenegildo Zegna when Starr accused Clinton of wearing a Zegna tie from Monica as a bizarre semaphore of solidarity, prompting a run on the (alas, discontinued) "Monica tie."

But what about those businesses that didn't luck into the Starr Report? Well, few of them are likely to mimic a New York City dry cleaner's ad that claimed it could get (wink wink) any stain out--but there are subtler ways to tie in. Airing amid endless scandal coverage on the Fox News Network, for instance, has been an ad for a home paper shredder, perfect for any stray talking points cluttering up the study. Coincidence? And the Simpson case showed the commercial potential even in an antiseptic legal proceeding: Atop Judge Ito's desk sat a computer monitor with a bold, dark logo that got hours of camera time; it was pulled after critics noted that the logo must have been specially darkened, as on standard models it was usually the same light color as the rest of the monitor case.

All this suggests a win-win scenario for advertisers and broadcasters if impeachment hearings materialize. If the networks are stuck airing extended stretches of testimony without commercial interruption, why not, say, sell pop-up ad bubbles keyed to the interrogation? ("That day I gave him a copy of Oy Vey! The Things They Say!: A Book of Jewish Wit..." Sproing! "Now 30% off! Amazon.com!") Better yet, how about promotional deals with Zippergate stars who are guaranteed prime interrogation slots? Consider it a service to an anxious nation, a reminder that the pulse of American commerce beats strong even in troubled times:

"Ms. Tripp, according to your account, Ms. Lewinsky said the President told her, 'Put down the pizza boxes and sit down on my lap.' Can you be sure he didn't really say, 'I'm down about the peace process and Saddam in Iraq'?"

"Congressman, the Dictamatic LX is the finest high-fidelity recording device available at a reasonable retail price. I have never been so certain of anything in my life."

--James Poniewozik

JAMES PONIEWOZIK writes about media and culture for Salon, an online magazine.