Wake Up, America! Resist the Canadian Cultural Imperialists!
By James Poniewozik

(FORTUNE Magazine) – Endorsing a pending bill meant to protect Canada from an onslaught of U.S. magazines (including those from FORTUNE's parent, Time Warner), Maclean's magazine calls Canadian culture "a shy, woodsy creature loose in a forest of killer wolves." Indeed, from Vancouver to Vanuatu, U.S. cultural imperialism is inescapable: Jim Carrey's mug, Mike Myers' ubiquitous Austin Powers, Shania Twain's midriff, and--huh? They're from where? Why weren't we informed?

Scratch an American cultural imperialist nowadays, and you'll draw maple syrup: At this year's Grammys, for instance, Canadians including Celine Dion, Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morissette, and Twain vied for 26 awards. Yes, as we fretted over CFL football and the metric system, Canada has dumped chanteuses on us like so many Hyundais. With Canadian radio stations required to play 35% local tunage--"to help a fledgling industry develop itself," as Anne-Sophie Lawless of the Department of Canadian Heritage explains--Alanis can become the chick-rock juggernaut of Generation X (coinage courtesy of Canada's Douglas Coupland), while Debbie Gibsons and Tiffanys are reduced to trivia questions by fickle U.S. mall rats. How do we compete in the world diva market? Lauryn Hill is only one woman. "Well, at the Grammys, there were three or four prominent Canadians," Lawless concedes, "but what other famous Canadian artists have you heard of?" (On behalf of Neil Young, k.d. lang, Glenn Gould, and the Canadian Brass: ouch!)

And the maple leaf curtain has descended across Hollywood. Comedy is under Lorne Michaels' northerly thumb. Baywatch, a synonym for ugly Americanism, was fronted by former Labatt mascot Pamela Anderson (though her bustline is U.S.A.-made). In Ontario native James Cameron's thinly veiled jingoistic fantasy Titanic, a boatload of Americans drowns as Dion warbles passionately. Even our land's not safe: Quebec portrays New Hampshire in Affliction; British Columbia subbed for America in The X-Files; Toronto portrays New York in countless films.

We could retaliate (say, firing back two Baldwin brothers for every Kids in the Hall alum they launch), but the madness would continue until someone created a depressive singer-songwriter powerful enough to destroy us all. Disarmament, maybe? They keep Celine, we keep In Style magazine? Lawless wouldn't bite. Give 'em an inch, they take 1.6 kilometers.

--James Poniewozik