(FORTUNE Magazine) – If the devil himself were to throw a bash honoring the most accomplished sloths, hedonists, and gluttons among us, he couldn't do a better hosting job than the new Bacara Resort & Spa in Santa Barbara. Finally there's a place enlightened enough to grasp that while 18-mile hikes followed by wheatgrass juice may be good for the body, they're an insult to the soul.

Situated on 78 beachfront acres, Bacara is, like any self-respecting joint charging $395 to $5,000 a night, spectacularly lush. But immaculate landscaping and beautiful Spanish Colonial-style architecture aside, what sets Bacara apart is its philosophy: When a room-service waiter is asked how late breakfast is served, he responds, "As late as you like. At Bacara there's no such thing as 'no.'" Little wonder that a guest is overheard muttering, "If only my wife felt that way."

And if only one could return to Bacara every night and announce, "Honey, I'm home!" Home to a room with a fireplace and candles, where the bathroom is stacked high with Kiehl's products. Home to three restaurants of consistently knockout fare. Home to grounds spotted with three swimming pools, four tennis courts, and two golf courses, all designed in such a way that it's a challenge to think of a need that isn't being met. Bacara comes on so strong that within hours I wondered whether it might be possible to skip human relationships and marry a place.

The seduction switches into even higher gear at the 42,000-square-foot spa, where traditional massages and facials are offered alongside treatments like Bindi Herbal Balancer and Reiki who-knows-what. I've gotten far too comfortable in bed to make it to the 7 A.M. yoga class, or even the 8 A.M. beach walk, but a killer boot-camp workout at 9 A.M., followed by a breakfast of brioche French toast at the Spa Cafe, and I'm ready to be tended to.

First up is a botanical bath, which involves sitting in a high-powered whirlpool while a therapist who looks like Cameron Diaz laces the water with plant extracts. Between that and the Chinese elixir I drink to relax me, I'm so stoned that I'm unconscious for my deep tissue massage. Unfortunately I'm all too awake for Shirodhara, in which hot oil is dripped onto my "third eye" (located on my forehead--not that it's any of your business), is massaged into my scalp, and then runs down my hair. I feel like an anchovy. Much better is the Ultimate Body Blitz, which begins with an exfoliation with ground-up seashells and ends in a hot mud application.

While life is perfect within the sequestered spa building, there is a certain highfalutin quotient to the rest of the hotel. Guests are encouraged to embrace informality, but many of the employees stroll the grounds in navy suits, looking as if they're auditioning for a Men in Black sequel or an elite cult. Even room-service waiters wear three-piecers; bellhops sport Secret Service-worthy earpieces. The clerk at the gift shop flashes an engagement ring that could finance the entire operation. Then there's the Vegas-y clothing store ready to oblige that apparently common realization that life cannot go on without a pink spangled skirt. "Oh, lots of people shop here," says a clerk. "Mostly the women. They're here and they're bored."

Clearly the broads in question haven't bothered to journey down to the beach, where both employees and guests shed all pretension and blase attitude. The attendants watching over the sea kayaks and surfboards can name each of the Channel Islands visible across the Pacific, and speak with wonder about the migrating whales and resident sea lions. "Just this morning, I've seen 15 dolphins go by," says one attendant. "You're sure to see one, too, if you just sit still for a few minutes."

Ultimately that's how Bacara is best enjoyed. Plant yourself with a bottle of champagne on your terrace overlooking the ocean. Ignore that a small pot of coffee costs $12, and have it delivered bedside. Convince yourself that jumping from the steamroom to the whirlpool is an aerobic activity. Should you feel a flash of guilt, gulp down one of those chill-out Chinese elixirs and simply wait for the feeling to pass.