(FORTUNE Magazine) – Dear Annie: I run a family-owned business with about 80 employees. During the holidays we hand out gifts to our employees--small tokens of our appreciation, nothing big. They often give us gifts as well, although I've never been comfortable with it. This year one of my salespeople, who had a very good year, gave each of us owners $100 in cash. I felt this was inappropriate and tried to give it back, but he wouldn't take it, so I gave it to a local charity. What's the etiquette here? I'd rather cut out all gift-giving, but how can we graciously stop it? --Overly Gifted

Dear O.G.: Your employees, well brought up as they evidently were, seem to feel obliged to reciprocate when someone gives them something. If you want them to stop giving you stuff, you are going to have to stop giving them stuff. Instead, you could donate the money to a worthy cause--maybe the same one that got your $100. When you announce the change of policy, make it clear that you expect no gifts, as you'd rather see people buy an extra treat for a loved one than shop for you. This could turn out to be a relief for all concerned. Gift-giving is nice, but if my annual post-holiday mail is any guide, it's gotten way out of hand, with the exchange of modest gestures of goodwill too often escalating into politically charged games of can-you-top-this. Bah, humbug!

Dear Annie: In the midst of heavy layoffs, our CEO announced that there would be a hiring-and-promotion freeze until business picks up. Fine. I was prepared to hunker down, work hard, and outlast the slowdown. Then, last week, a companywide e-mail congratulated a co-worker on a promotion, and I just learned that another colleague has a new title too. I feel that all the extra work I've been doing, for no recognition, is futile. Should I ask what's up, or will that make me look like a sore loser and not a team player? --Ticked Off

Dear T.O.: In this, as in so much else, what matters is not so much what you say as how you say it. "Stay focused on your goal," suggests Deborah Bright, Ph.D., a Manhattan-based executive coach (www.drbright.com). "If you just demand an explanation, you will sound like a whiner, and it won't get you anywhere." Frame your request for information in a positive way. Go to your boss and say something like, "I'm really glad to see that there have been some promotions lately, in spite of these tough times, and I'd like to talk to you about what I can do to be considered for one of them." Have the conversation as soon as possible. Says Bright: "Sitting around stewing about this isn't good."

Dear Annie: I took about 18 months off from my career to undergo treatments for infertility and am back in the job market. Three times now I've come close to getting an offer, but employers seem to get cold feet and end up not even checking my references. I don't tell interviewers the real reason I've been out of work, because I'm afraid that if they know I've been trying to get pregnant, they won't hire me. Should I be more forthcoming? --Godiva

Dear Godiva: Oh dear. By not revealing the "real reason," you're sending a strong signal that you have something to hide. This makes job interviewers' imaginations work overtime, which is dangerous. Why can't you just say that you had medical reasons for taking a break? It's true, and it's as honest as you need to be. Most interviewers don't want to hear your whole life story anyway, but they do need to feel that you are leveling with them. Moreover, the federal Americans with Disabilities Act forbids an employer from delving into what kind of medical problem you had--so whether, or when, your fertility treatments might yield results is a question that simply need never come up.

Dear Annie: I'm preparing for an annual performance review, but instead of a salary increase, I want the company to pay off my student loans. This would keep me from being bumped into the next higher tax bracket, and the company could write off the expense. It's win-win, right? --Bradley

Dear Bradley: Clever idea, but it won't work. I called a couple of compensation experts and double-checked what they said with the I.R.S. Here's the consensus: If your employer pays off your loans, the money still counts as taxable income to you because you are legally considered to be "in constructive receipt" of it. So you'd be wise just to take the raise, say "Thank you," and make your own loan payments.

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