(FORTUNE Magazine) – With seemingly random number grades and cloak-and-dagger banking alliances, Merrill Lynch's stock rating system is suddenly looking shadier than French skating scores. The firm's antics came to the fore recently when New York Attorney General Elliot Spitzer unearthed juicy e-mails between analysts that trashed stocks the company was publicly lauding. Apparently, that 2/1 Excite@Home rating really meant the company was a "piece of crap." To avoid future investor confusion, we've taken the liberty of cutting through the bull on Merrill's other ratings. --Alynda Wheat

RATING: 1/1 They Say: Strong Buy/ Strong Buy. They Mean: This dot-bomb is a "piece of junk."

RATING: 2/1 They Say: Buy/Strong Buy. They Mean: "We are neutral on the stock." Six- month outlook is "flat." Note: "Buy" is the new neutral.

RATING: 2/2 They Say: Buy/A 10% return is expected. They Mean: "Piece of s--t."

RATING: 3/1 They Say: Neutral in the short term/Minimum 40% appreciation long term. They Mean: Nothing interesting here "except banking fees." Which is all that matters, anyway. Right?