(FORTUNE Magazine) – 1 May Day! Join the rest of the world as they drop their knickers, drown in vino, and otherwise lose their minds, welcoming spring pagan-style.

2 Whip out an AmEx Black and rent yourself some Harvard tail: In New York City, Ivy League bachelors and bachelorettes are auctioning one another off to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

3 The 128th running of the Kentucky Derby is on Saturday. Get the party started early with our blue-ribbon Kentucky Derby mint julep: two cups sugar, two cups water, sprigs of fresh mint, crushed ice, Kentucky bourbon. Boil sugar and water for five minutes. Cool, then steep eight sprigs of fresh mint in it. Refrigerate. Fill highball glass with crushed ice. Add one tablespoon mint syrup and two ounces bourbon. Stir rapidly. Garnish with mint. Raise a glass to Sony, whose Spider-Man movie opens Friday. It stars Tobey Maguire in a stretch as a superhero with a six-pack.

6 Happy birthday, Taurus! Adding another candle this month are Jerry Levin (today), George Lucas (the 14th), Edgar Bronfman Jr. (the 16th), and Henry Kissinger (the 27th). Technically, Kiss is a Gemini, but he still gets a birthday shout-out. Also born this month, Oxygen queen Geraldine Laybourne (the 19th), who has never been accused of being a war criminal. What to get her: time, money, viewers, a decent show or two, someone to take Oprah's calls. Heck, you can hardly go wrong this year. And, and, and: Andersen trial skedded (no, not shredded).

8 The IBC Oligonucleotide and Peptide conference continues, at Bally's Las Vegas. Mad scientists, showgirls, and Vegas--hell, it's the whole CSI cast! FYI: An oligonucleotide is a string of chemically synthesized nucleotides. And you thought we didn't know.

9 Xerox CEO Ann Mulcahy speaks to the Boston College Chief Executives Club--"Chairmen, presidents, managing partners, and the like." But not you. To further cheer you up: The gubment issues unemployment data.

10 What a relief! With today's space weapons protest, Berkeley can shake that nasty talk that it just isn't political enough. Feel the love, fight the power, just don't forget to take a shower!

11/12 Mother's Day. Tell your mom how much you love her by buying her a home stripper pole. Pamela Anderson, Outkast rapper Big Boi, and the anatomically correct Jenna Jameson doll ($17.50 on eBay) each have one. Or: bearer bonds.

13 Here's what you do: Start with the Software Testing Analysis and Review conference in Orlando. At 3:19 take American Flight 2276 to LaGuardia and you'll just make the rest of the Investor Forum on Financial Reporting, Transparency, and Corporate Governance.

14 Earnings Tuesday! J.C. Penney, Applied Materials, and Abercrombie & Fitch report today. What's next for "Two Wongs Can Make It White" Fitch? Boosting second-quarter earnings with a new T-shirt line mocking the elderly, quadriplegics, and orphans?

15 Offshore investors convene in Puerto Rico. Actual session: Problems of Control--Shaking Off the Long Reach of the International Regulations Code. Also, Woody Allen makes his Cannes debut. So, we like Woody again?

16 Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones opens. Speaking of sequels, Ronald and Nancy Reagan each nab Congressional Gold Medal No. 2.

17 The tenth annual Astrology and Stock Market Conference, New York City. For the record: "We're not psychics," says founder Henry Weingarten. "Astrology is a mathematical psychology based on astronomy." You mean like Miss Cleo? "I'm not a humor person."

18/19 Plans? Not so much. Your weekend is booked: The Preakness runs in Maryland. New York priests consecrate Schwinns in the annual Blessing of the Bicycles. (Meanwhile, Rome burns....) And 75,000 Left Coasters dress up like "Running Water," "Hot Dog on a Stick," and "Crayola Crayons" to run the Bay to Breakers race in San Francisco. Then there's a four-way crash on the telly: The Cosby Show reunites, The Practice ends its season, The X-Files (finally!) collapses under the weight of its conspiracy theories, and Survivor: Marquesas makes some conniving S.O.B. a millionaire. Hang in there baby, Monday's coming.

20 !Feliz cumpleanos! Cuba's "constitution" hits 100. Then came Castro, the boycott, and Elian. They're gonna crack any day now.

21 Earnings Tuesday! Cash flow is the new Ebitda, pass it on. Marks & Spencer, Saks, Target, and Home Depot make their conference calls. HD's Bob Nardelli feels no pain--his salary and bonuses jumped 6,714% over 2001. (That could be because he was only on board for one month in 2000.) Plus: Microsoft's annual CEO summit (in Redmond, Wash.) and the Electronic Entertainment Expo (in L.A.). All that and Star Wars in the same month? The Lord loves the geekiest sheep in his flock!

22 Cellphone giant NTT DoCoMo initiates a five-for-one split two months after listing on the NYSE, while former parent NTT fesses up to a record $6.5 billion loss, picks a new prez, and lays off 17,000. Look, Ma! No fiscal self-destruction!

23 The International Students' Committee Symposium in Switzerland--a "smaller, kinder, gentler Davos," according to FORTUNE editor Justin Fox--tackles the dichotomy between limits and goals. Tell us about it.

24 Due this month is ex-George editor Richard Blow's JFK Jr. tell-all, American Son. This from the man who fired staffers for talking to the press after Kennedy's death. Plus: new-home sales and GDP indicators.

27 Memorial Day. Tennis pros take to the clay at the French Open. Will Jennifer Capriati repeat? Is Gustavo Kuerten still the man to beat? Do you know who Gustavo Kuerten is? These are all good questions.

29 Sports scientists compete for $500,000 of the International Olympic Committee's money. (Actually, it's Pfizer's money, and past winning topics include ligament healing and mitochondria.) Whoever fakes out the urinalysis machine gets mad props.

30 On this day in 1431, Joan of Arc burned at the stake. She later got promoted to patron saint of France. FYI:The patron saint of businessmen is Homobonus. We don't make this stuff up.

31 They don't pay us enough to fill out this whole damn thing.

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