Now That's a Dream Team
By Grainger David

(FORTUNE Magazine) – Marv Albert: Well, it's a big welcome back for all the fans at home watching the final minutes of the game. If you're just tuning in, this is a FORTUNE CEO basketball dream. The CEOs are down by 10 but looking to make a big comeback in the fourth quarter.

Dick Vitale: That's right, baby! No room here for readjusted fourth-quarter losses! This game is a real Dow Joneser! It's up and down! It's down and up! It's unbelievable!

Stuart Scott: Boo-yah!

Marv Albert: You said it, Stuart. Let's introduce the players to anyone who's just moving into REM sleep. At center we've got William Harrison, CEO of J.P. Morgan Chase--he played a little at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. What's the scouting report say about Harrison, Kenny?

Kenny Mayne: He's tall.

Charles Barkley: That's right--when you cut through all the b.s. those analysts come up with, things are pretty straightforward!

Kenny Mayne: I am amazed by the simplicity of this game.

Dick Vitale: Whoa! It looks like former Kmart CEO Chuck Conaway is headed for the bench! What's going on?

The crowd: Mar-tha! Mar-tha!

Marv Albert: Conaway has fouled out. Eliot Spitzer sure can be quick with the whistle. Conaway's still hanging around on the floor, but that won't work, folks--he's no longer a CEO! But a good performance nonetheless.

Bill Walton: I dunno, Marv. He's got weak fundamentals. That's the kind of play that can leave a team bankrupt. I don't think he should have been in this game in the first place. I remember when I was...

Marv Albert: Yyyyes!

Bill Walton: Another bucket from Nolan Archibald, CEO of Black & Decker, a few years out of Weber State. Just a solid, all-round utility player. He reminds me of the time Jerry Garcia...

Stuart Scott: Jumanji! Another defensive stop by General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner. He's been strong on the boards, but his shooting! Damn! Kid needs lessons: 0% from the floor, 0% from the line, and no down payment till June! Rick played frosh ball at Duke. Sucka!

Charles Barkley: You should know, Stuart, that some very important people at this magazine went to Duke. I'd watch yourself. And I've also noticed that the puns you guys make tying basketball to company performance aren't always appropriate.

Dick Vitale: Lighten up, Barkley baby! It's a dream! Shooting the lights out on the other side of the ball is Procter & Gamble CEO A.G. Lafley. He's a quiet leader on the floor, folks, and one of the best passers in the game.

Stuart Scott: Give it up for the new breed!

Dick Vitale: He was diaper dandy at Hamilton College. Now he's en fuego!

Marv Albert: Jim Copeland, CEO of Deloitte Touche Tohmatsu, has just checked into the game. Copeland played point guard at Georgia State. It says here that he's 6-foot-9, 250 pounds. Wow! That can't be right. I wonder where those numbers came from....

Dick Vitale: Sounds like more fuzzy math from the accounting industry, Marv! But Copeland is a P-T-P-er! He can cut through defenses like a paper shredder! He can hit the trifecta! The CEOs are going to need it in the stretch!

Marv Albert: And the stretch is exactly where we are. We're down to the final seconds. Harrison has the ball...passes to Wagoner...he dishes over to Jim Copeland, who dribbles around Lafley and John Hummer of VC firm Hummer Winblad, who played at Princeton...

Stuart Scott: The CEOs could definitely use some help from an angel right about now!

Marv Albert: Copeland breaks for the basket...and kicks it back out to Nolan Archibald! His game is so fluid it's like the different bits are interchangeable. The CEOs are down by two...

The crowd: Three! Two! One!

Marv Albert: Archibald throws it up from behind the arc!

Charles Barkley: Isn't it rather obvious what's going to happen here? I mean, it seems a little pathetic that you're letting a bunch of middle-aged guys whom you write about all the time win an imaginary basketball game against no evident opposition. I'm skeptical.

Marv Albert: Shut up, Charles. It's the Special CEO Issue. Let the kids play.

Dick Vitale: It's good! Archibald drilled it! The CEOs win! The CEOs win! There'll be ticker tape on Wall Street tonight!