(FORTUNE Magazine) – 1 August is officially golf month, which is a good thing since we'd have declared it so anyhow. The Buick Open is already underway at Warwick Hills in Saginaw, Mich. If you're following the action, try to snag a good view of the 17th hole. Between the water and the woods, there should be at least one world-class meltdown.

2/3 It's Martha Stewart's birthday on Sunday. The Leo will be 62. Hey--no cheap jokes about buying her cigarettes to use as hostess gifts, okay? That's just tacky. Other birthdays: Fidel Castro (the 13th), Bill Clinton (the 19th), television personality Connie Chung (the 20th), Cisco CEO John Chambers (the 23rd), media baron Conrad Black (the 25th), and Most Powerful Warren Buffett (the 30th). In the wide world of sports, the NFL pre-season kicks off at 5 A.M. EDT with the American Bowl, as the Jets take on the Bucs in Tokyo--because American football is huge there.

4 San Francisco hosts LinuxWorld 2003 Conference and Expo. New this year: the LinuxWorld Financial Summit, which will discuss how banks and other financial services firms can use Linux, including a case study of how E*Trade made the switch. In another dimension of time and space, the Eighth Annual Oil and Gas Conference starts in Denver.

5 So listen, about those Tour de France and Wimbledon predictions we made last month, about no old favorites returning to the winner's circles.... We meant next year.

6 TiVo has its annual meeting in Menlo Park, Calif. If you can't make it, the company will record the proceedings while you watch something else. Meanwhile, the "auto-crats" meet in Michigan for the Auto Management Briefing Seminars, where GM, Ford, Chrysler, and Honda lay a guilt trip on the rest of the nation by actually working in August.

7 While the suits at Delphi hold an analysts meeting, the PGA Tour moves on to Castle Rock, Colo., for the International. It's oddly named, seeing as how the Men's European PGA tees off in Copenhagen (proving that not everyone in Europe is on holiday, at least when there's $1.8 million at stake).

8 The JVC Jazz Festival grooves into Newport, R.I., with George Benson, India.Arie, and K.D. Lang (sorry, sweetie, we capitalize here at FORTUNE) performing through the weekend. Must everything have corporate sponsorship? Next thing you know, it'll be the U.S. government brought to you by Halliburton.

11 All-round funny guy (and co-creator of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) Andy Borowitz stops by Wharton to pass on wisdom and hawk his new book, Who Moved My Soap? It's for prison-bound white-collar execs; odds are pretty good Dennis and Bernie already have a copy. The rest of us will load up the van to Graceland. It's Elvis Week! One highlight: the Elvis Mafia Reunion, composed of a bunch of guys who knew the King and who are not paid to whack bad impersonators. (They do it for fun.) And on Thursday there's the Captain Elvis Moonlight Cruise. Cross your fingers for a sing-along. We're pretty sure they won't be offended if you don't know the words. Just make some up--and hope the mafia guys don't hear you.

13 Wal-Mart announces earnings. A limerick in its honor: The other stores had a headstart But no one could tackle Wal-Mart It grabbed Earth by each pole And then swallowed us whole Picking its teeth with a Kmart.

14 Bubble? What bubble? Real estate agents finish up six days in Montego Bay, Jamaica--suggested attire was "very casual unless otherwise noted." Elsewhere, a bad-news watch is in effect, as the government releases unemployment data. Think of it as more time to watch the 85th PGA Championship.

15 If you're a fan of United Airlines CEO Glenn Tilton--and who isn't?--you just might be able to catch a glimpse of him around 9:30 A.M. CDT at the Northern District of Illinois Bankruptcy Court. Or it could just be the lawyers--and that could be fun too.

16/17 On Saturday: Your options just expired. You probably didn't lose much, anyway. On Sunday: Harley-Davidson wraps up its 100th anniversary tour with the Ride Home, starting today and ending in Milwaukee. Or just buy the Ride Home souvenir kit (patch, pin, T-shirt, "trinket box") for $100 and practice looking butch.

18 Lowe's announces earnings. Too bad Lowe's spokesvoice Gene Hackman won't do the actual announcing. Apparently, that job goes to CEO Robert Tillman.... Jupiter Web holds a conference in San Jose on search engines and how to make money on them. Isn't it a little late to be looking for a business plan?

19 Nantucket? The Hamptons? Not when Gateway Investor Forums is convening at the Harvard Club in New York City to discuss real estate investment trusts. Who needs the beach when you can discuss companies that own income-yielding real estate and that pay at least 90% of that income to shareholders in the form of dividends.

20 The 53rd International Design Conference drops in on Aspen--expect a slew of curators, architects, and artists who look far more world-weary chic than you do. This year's theme: Design Takes On Risk. Suggested theme for next year's conference: Design Takes On Building More Ladies' Restrooms at Sports Arenas.

21 It's National Forgiveness Day, which means you should take the opportunity to reach out and forgive someone who has wronged you. Like your company's benefits department. Basic therapy theory holds that you should remember to use "I feel..." and "when you ..." so that the other party doesn't feel judged or attacked. For instance: "I feel (hurt, bankrupt, more likely to die of preventable diseases) when you (limit my expenses, cut bonuses, adopt the free clinic as the new health-care plan)." If that doesn't go so well, numb the pain with...golf! The PGA tour keeps on rolling with the Reno-Tahoe Open, while Akron gets all dressed up for the World Golf Championships. Watching sports is so much better than actually having to talk to people.

23/24 If you're headed for Hawaii and in some sort of pain, stop by the 17th World Congress on Psychosomatic Medicine--on how the mind and the body affect each other. All we know is that a mai tai helps everything.

25 It's the Summer Bank Holiday in Britain, so you might as well stay on this side of the pond. In Las Vegas, there's Magic--no, not Siegfried & Roy, a convention devoted to fashion. Meanwhile, New Yorkers frantically call in favors for decent seats at the U.S. Open tennis tournament.

26 The Mobile Data Services World Forum gears up in Seoul, while the Digital Consulting Institute puts on its Customer Relationship Management conference in New York City. Convergence opportunity: If customers could get a signal on their mobile phones, they'd need a lot less relationship management.

27 The Venice Film Festival celebrates its 60th anniversary with a tribute to Katharine Hepburn. For those of you at home, rent Summertime--as far as we know, it was Hepburn's only movie set in Venice.

28 J.D. Edwards, clothing retailer Chico's, and PetsMart announce earnings, while the Western Regional Gas Conference wraps up in Tempe, Ariz., with several sessions focusing on pipeline safety and security. There are no sessions on winning oil contracts. If you have to ask ...

29 Thus ends the first week of classes at Columbia B-School. It just doesn't get any better than this. Seriously, it really won't get any better. One last PGA stop--the Deutsche Bank Championship in Norton, Mass. Proceeds benefit the Tiger Woods Foundation. Whether it will benefit Tiger Woods is another issue.

30/31 There's still beach time left, and you need a book: Check out Bite, a saucy new light read co-written by one of FORTUNE's own (under a pseudonym, C.J. Tosh). Though scenes are set at a magazine called Profit, he claims it's not a savage expose of life here. We'd have to agree: What other explanation could there be for the fact that we're not in it?