(FORTUNE Magazine) – Season's Greetings! I know full well that most of the folks on my holiday list neither need nor deserve gifts this year, but what with the economy turning and the stock market likely to be up for the first time since the 1990s, I find myself in a charitable mood. (Ha!) Here then is what I would like to see under the tree of some notable names of 2003.

Edgar Bronfman Jr.: A copy of The Little Engine That Could. As in "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" (run a media company).

Martha Stewart: A set of black-and-white-striped curtains fashioned from imported, hand-spun Belgian linen fastened to lightly bronzed, high-tensile-steel curtain rods (imported from Sweden) and accentuated by delicate Chantilly lace ribbon.

Dennis Kozlowski: Hmm, this is tough. How about a shower curtain? Nope, already has one of those. A dog-motif umbrella stand? No, got one of those too. I know, I know! Two tons of block ice, a chisel, and a case of Stolichnaya vodka.

Frank Quattrone: Witness-coaching lessons, a bottle of Mr. Clean (up those e-mails!), and a legal team on retainer.

Ted Turner: An $800 million short position in TWX, plus a run on buffalo meat.

Rosie O'Donnell: A copy of Germans Are Dummies. I mean, German for Dummies.

Michael Dell: Antispam software. To protect himself from the kind of annoying e-mail he sends to investment bankers.

Bill Gates: Lifetime therapy for his kids after they learn that Mom and Dad are giving away more money than anyone in the history of the world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Warren Buffett's cellphone number.

Dick Grasso: Actual cash in his bank account. And a new dot drawing by the Wall Street Journal.

Richard Branson: Nothing. He's the man who has everything.

Enron executives: Fifteen years, all expenses paid, on Devil's Island.

Carly Fiorina: A little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Rupert Murdoch: More kids! (Why not?)

George Soros: A DEAN FOR PRESIDENT button and a translation of the English-language versions of his books--into English.

Sam Waksal: Early parole, that's all.

Andy Serwer: If you're looking for a present pour moi, I have something in mind. Fortunoff on Fifth Avenue had a Rolls-Royce in the window. Its license plate read: FORTUNE. Thanks!