(FORTUNE Small Business) – If you could, I know a lot of you would walk up to me on the street and ask, "So, now that you've made the Big Move, what's it like to be running that business of yours from India?" All the while, you'd be thinking that people like me are maliciously taking income from citizens like you. But really, you don't want my job--and you know it. For one thing, it's way too long a commute from your suburban ranch home to where I am, which--in case I've forgotten to mention it--is actually in India. Smack-dab in downtown India, if you know where that is. I can't imagine what took me so long to relocate here, to ditch that toxic office park surrounded by nothing but malfunctioning vending machines. No need to pity us: We've got all the modern amenities--heck, there's an Arby's within walking distance, although my staff can't afford it now that they earn just 15% of their former take. But it's all good, as the kids back there say. Do they still say that? I wouldn't know, because we have our own slang where I live and work now.

In India, that is. Surely many of you back home are wondering why we're all so pleased about our lower pay. I can't tell you, exactly, but it's the kind of rationalization that you'll soon be able to purchase from my website, outsourced-and-loving-it.com. Before I tell you more, I should let you in on a little secret: I've never set foot in India. But see how cleverly I tricked you into believing I had moved? Pretty soon, no matter what field you happen to be in, you're going to need to pull the same thing on your own customers (or else risk losing them). A pro like me can teach you everything you need to know to be absolutely convincing. Before long you'll be sending innocent-sounding e-mail queries such as "Hey, is it the day before yesterday there?" or lamenting those nasty monsoons that tie up the morning traffic. In time, you'll have successfully outsourced yourself--before anyone else has a chance to.