(MONEY Magazine) – The heat is equatorial, your gullet is a mini-Sahara and you'd give your right Reebok for an ice-cold beer. But you have a meeting right after lunch, and you'd rather not show up sudsy-brained. So you order one of those no- alcohol beers and hope it tastes better than witch hazel. Whether wimpish or wise, you have plenty of company. Last year, sales of the two dozen kickless brews available in the U.S. reached almost 9 million cases, up 18% from 1985. The bestsellers so far are Kingsbury, a domestic brew produced by G. Heileman Brewing Co., and Moussy, a Swiss import. While only a drop in the barrel compared with the 2.6 billion cases of regular beer sold in '87, sales of no-alcohol malt beverages, as they are called, are expected to grow about 8% a year for the next decade, according to Beverage Marketing, an industry research group in New York City. Prices for a six-pack range from less than $2 to the usual $6 or so that's charged for premium beer. While turning down the tipple count would have seemed unfashionably puritanical a generation ago, it is on target in the age of health and fitness. ''It's no longer chic to be intoxicated,'' observes Z. Preminger, president of Omni Industries, U.S. distributor of Warteck, a no-alcohol beer from Switzerland. The average proof of all hard liquor sold has dropped to 80 from 90 since 1960. The success of light beers, with only 4.2% alcohol by volume (3.2% by weight) compared with 4.7% for regulars, confirms a trend toward lower-power brews. With beer sales flatter than a bottle cap in 1987 from the year before, the no-alcohols provide the industry not only with a handy defense against attacks by anti-drunken-driving groups but also with alternatives to keep beer lovers in the fold. To judge which of the no-alcohol brews taste best, MONEY gathered nine beer and food experts in Milwaukee, the self-styled U.S. capital of beerdom. There they participated in a blind tasting of the seven top-selling brands, conducted by the Food Evaluation Center, an industry food and drink testing service. Two alcohol beers, Budweiser and Miller Lite, were added as ringers. (For the results, see the lineup on page 94.) It was far from love at first sip. All of the beers, including Bud and Miller Lite, scored in the middle of the testing firm's product performance scale of 1 to 9. And while Budweiser and Miller Lite led the pack at 6.4 and 6 respectively, the no-alcohol beers trailed within 1.2 points, and five of the judges rated one or another of the no-alcohols higher than the top alcohol. The tepid scores should come as no surprise. While American beer drinkers typically prefer light-flavored brews, the more sophisticated MONEY tasting panel clearly did not. ''We look for complex taste, and these are very uncomplicated beers,'' says Steve Byers, beer critic and reporter at the Milwaukee Journal. So discouraging words -- ''watery,'' ''weak'' and ''timid'' -- were flung variously at all nine entries. Yet light needn't mean lousy. ''Some of these no-alcohol beers are really drinkable and refreshing,'' says tasting panelist Fred Scheer, German-born and Munich-trained brewmaster of Hibernia Brewing Ltd. in Eau Claire, Wis. ''There's no reason to throw out the lot just because they taste different. After all, some people like jam and some like jelly.'' Scheer himself enjoyed one no-alcohol entry, Texas Light, as much as Budweiser. Taste-tester, beer connoisseur and restaurateur Jack Pandl lives comfortably with a bifurcated beer taste: he savors a single stein of malty, Bavarian-style Augsburger with meals. ''But at a party I drink Miller Lite, and I don't really care for any of the light beers. I just know it won't make me sleepy or fill me up.'' Our experts seemed in agreement on one point. The foreign-made no-alc brands with more flavor were preferred, scoring a tad higher than their thinner rivals. Several of the panelists also felt that quaffing these slightly strange-tasting beers with food should make them more palatable. Clausthaler, ''with its slightly smoky taste, should be a perfect mate to foods cooked on the grill and should be fabulous with sausage of all kinds,'' commented restaurant consultant Elaine Sherman. ''I'd sure like something to wash down with this, say a New York pastrami on rye with dark mustard,'' added panelist and restaurant critic Allen Kelson of Chicago magazine. Kelson said he would drink the no-alcohol products if he were on a diet and wanted something that went better with Chinese or Mexican food than diet soda. Fine notion, but he'd have to pass on the egg roll to help balance out the calories. That's because diet soda boasts less than five, compared with no- alcohol beer's 43 to 97 in a 12-ounce bottle. Light beer has around 100 calories, regular beer about 150. No-alc beer will doubtless improve in flavor once brewers gain more experience in making it. At present they must choose between two methods. In one, preferred by U.S. brewers, the beer is boiled and the alcohol removed in a vacuum process. Experts say that since beer is highly temperature sensitive -- you can even strip a brew of flavor by overchilling -- this technique is bound to result in a telltale insipidness. The second method, used by our panel's two favorites -- Clausthaler and Warteck -- stops fermentation by controlling the amount of sugar and yeast in the basic brew so that almost no alcohol is produced. Therefore, the beverage is spared damage to flavor caused by temperature manhandling. But something is lost in cutting the full natural process short. Both methods result in a nearly totally benign brew. With 0.1% to 0.5% ) alcohol, the beers contain levels comparable to the trace amounts in orange juice and other substances that tend to ferment naturally. Still, recovering alcoholics often pass up the drinks, not only for this reason but also to avoid evoking old memories and old habits, according to the National Council on Alcoholism. As the market builds, brewers will keep trying for a better-tasting product. Anheuser-Busch, the industry leader in sales, is test-marketing a no-alc beer called LA-X. (The company has done poorly to date with LA, a reduced-alcohol -- 2.3% by volume -- brew.) Panelist Fred Scheer plans to develop one for his Hibernia Brewing, probably using the vacuum-removal method. ''I'll try for a maltier, fuller taste,'' he promised. And fellow panelist Ed Janus, co-founder of the Capital Brewery in Middleton, Wis., envisioned his own entry. ''There's a demand, and I think you can make a good, pleasing beverage.'' By some accounts, that is already happening. ''I certainly was fooled,'' said restaurant critic Allen Kelson. ''In the blind test I couldn't even spot my favorite, Miller Lite.''

BOX: How the no-alcohols go down with the experts . . .

In a blind taste test sponsored by MONEY, the nine food and beer experts pictured above sampled the seven leading no-alcohol brands and, as a reality check, two top-selling domestic alcohol beers. The panelists gave two buzzless imports -- Clausthaler of West Germany and Warteck of Switzerland -- top honors. All, including the headier ringers, were deemed weak by the panelists, who favor full-bodied brews. The beers were scored 1 to 9 (top) for acceptability, taste, aroma, appearance, mouthfeel (effervescence and body) and aftertaste.

CLAUSTHALER (W. Ger.) Acceptability 5.78 Rank on taste 3 Alcohol 0.44% Six-pack $4.59-5.49 Calories 97

Favorable comments: ''a bit of finesse,'' ''rich, full flavor,'' ''crisp, nice maltiness,'' ''great depth of flavor.'' Unfavorable: ''lacks body,'' ''too bitter,'' ''taste fades too fast.''

WARTECK (Switzerland)

Acceptability 5.56 Rank on taste 4 Alcohol 0.3% Six-pack $3.99-4.99 Calories 84

Favorable comments: ''well-integrated flavors,'' ''extremely pleasant aroma.'' Unfavorable: ''flat in the mouth,'' ''hint of metallic flavor,'' ''left an unpleasant taste.''

BIRELL (U.S.)

Acceptability 5.22 Rank on taste 8 Alcohol 0.35% Six-pack $2.39-3.89 Calories 75

Favorable comments: ''nice taste of malt,'' ''full-bodied,'' ''good hop flavor.'' Unfavorable: ''like cider that's 'gone,' '' ''tastes watered down,'' ''no depth or character.''

TEXAS LIGHT (U.S.)

Acceptability 5.11 Rank on taste 5 Alcohol 0.3% Six-pack $2.69-3.29 Calories 68

Favorable comments: ''nearly like real beer,'' ''flowery aroma,'' ''feels good in the throat.'' Unfavorable: ''lacking in body,'' ''soapy aftertaste,'' ''medicinal flavor.''

MOUSSY (Switzerland)

Acceptability 5.11 Rank on taste 9 Alcohol 0.03% Six-pack $4.59-5.29 Calories 54

Favorable comments: ''sharp carbonation,'' ''nice hoppy aroma,'' ''pleasant aftertaste.'' Unfavorable: ''lacks fullness,'' ''very strange flavor,'' ''no aroma, very ordinary.''

KINGSBURY (U.S.)

Acceptability 5.0 Rank on taste 6 Alcohol 0.35% Six-pack $1.79-2.89 Calories 60

Favorable comments: ''full-bodied flavor,'' ''very effervescent,'' ''easy drinkability.'' Unfavorable: ''limp, like stale beer,'' ''sour aftertaste,'' ''thin.''

KALIBER (England)

Acceptability 4.78 Rank on taste 7 Alcohol 0.01% Six-pack $3.99-5.99 Calories 43

Favorable comments: ''slightly fruity,'' ''distinctive flavor,'' ''extremely pleasant aroma.'' Unfavorable: ''one-dimensional,'' ''too timid,'' ''bitter aftertaste.''

...vs. the alcohols.

BUDWEISER (U.S.)

Acceptability 6.44 Rank on taste 2 Alcohol 4.7% Six-pack $2.89-4.19 Calories 145

Favorable comments: ''slightly hoppy,'' ''nice carbonation,'' ''great aroma.'' Unfavorable: ''no body,'' ''little aftertaste,'' ''flavor dies quickly,'' ''tastes like bad soda pop.''

MILLER LITE (U.S.)

Acceptability 6.0 Rank on taste 1 Alcohol 4.2% Six-pack $2.90-4.11 Calories 96

Favorable comments: ''light but flavorful,'' ''nice finish and good balance,'' ''clean.'' Unfavorable: ''smells like pineapple,'' ''no aroma or flavor,'' ''timid.''