(MONEY Magazine) – Once a crisis hits, American families do rally heroically. Brothers and sisters spend all night at the kitchen table discussing how best to help their widowed, disabled or impoverished parent. But these emergency summit meetings usually take place too late for any sound, Marshall-plan-style remedies. ''The best solutions are worked out by the generations together before problems come to a head,'' says Danbury, Conn. retirement consultant Robert Preston. ''With proper planning, old age and sickness don't have to go hand in hand with calamity and instant depletion of assets.'' What's needed is a frank but sensitive discussion with your parents about their hopes, fears and concrete plans for the future while they are still in good health. ''Children may have qualms about butting in on their parents' financial affairs,'' says the Rev. Peggy Muncie, 41, head of a ministry for nursing-home patients and their families in Greenwich, Conn. ''But older people have usually thought a lot about these issues and are greatly relieved when their children show some interest.'' The following questions should provide an agenda for such a meeting between you and your parents.

Where would you like to live? Housing is key to your parents' happiness and comfort. Their original lodging during the robust early years of retirement may no longer serve if they become ill or disabled. To determine their present situation and preferences, ask them about specifics such as: Has routine maintenance become too much of a chore? Are they having trouble climbing stairs? If so, would they consider selling their beloved but inconvenient multistory house and moving to a one-level condominium or a retirement community where they can live independently but have easy access to medical help should the need arise? Can you comfortably meet your expenses? Don't settle for a reflex reassurance like ''We can manage,'' urges Lynne Marcus, a certified financial planner from Rego Park, N.Y. Press your parents gently for details about how much money they receive from Social Security, pensions and investments, as well as the amount they have tucked away for future years. If your delicate prodding leads you to conclude that your parents are close to the edge financially, you can help them find ways to ease the strain. Do you have adequate health insurance? If your parents are 65 or older and are eligible for Social Security, they are covered by Medicare, the federal health insurance program for the aged. Although Medicare benefits have been greatly expanded under a new law passed last year, the remaining holes in coverage can still leave your parents with out-of-pocket expenses that may wipe out their savings. It is thus important for you to know what kind of private supplemental insurance -- if any -- they have to help defray their medical costs. Who will handle your affairs if you become incapacitated? Raising the idea that your parents may someday be physically or mentally unfit to make their own decisions and act upon them will undoubtedly be disquieting for all of you. But consider the alternative: if your parents do become incapacitated, you could be forced into the time-consuming, expensive and embarrassing process of petitioning a court to declare them incompetent and to appoint a guardian to manage their money. You can ensure that you (or someone else your parents trust) can step in if necessary to manage their finances by getting a lawyer to draw up durable powers of attorney for them. These legal documents, which empower the designated person to act on your parents' behalf, automatically take effect should they become incapacitated. Lawyers typically charge $25 to $150 to prepare this paperwork. You might also encourage your parents to grant a medical power of attorney, which allows a trusted relative or other appointee to make health-care decisions on their behalf. To ensure that their wishes about treatment will be carried out, your parents may decide to draw up a living will, which specifies the medical measures they want taken -- or not taken -- in case of terminal illness. Where do you keep your important documents? Nightmarish paper chases in a time of grief can be avoided if you find out in advance whether your parents have purchased a burial plot, where the deed is kept and what type of funeral arrangements they prefer. Ideally, the same filing case or locked box should contain copies of their wills, living wills and durable powers of attorney, plus keys to the safe-deposit box. It is also essential for you to know the location of insurance policies, savings accounts, stock and bond certificates, real estate papers, and canceled checks and tax returns for the past three years. Finally you must have a listing of the names and phone numbers of your parents' attorneys, accountants, insurance agents, stockbrokers and financial planners. -- R.S.