NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - The Hewlett-Packard/Compaq proxy fight has been so down and dirty it makes even innocent bystanders feel soiled.
On one side is HP CEO Carly Fiorina and the rest of the HP board, who support a merger with Compaq. On the other is Walter Hewlett, who opposes a combination. Both are guilty of dragging out their dirty laundry for a public airing.
And so as the folks at IVS Associates prepare to tally the votes on the proposed merger, I thought I'd tally a few votes of my own -- and pay homage to some of the lowlights in the proxy battle with a little something you might call the Ugly Achievement Awards.
Note: Unlike the Nobel Peace Prize, the Oscar for Best Sound Effects Editing, or the coveted "World's Greatest Grandpa" coffee mug, the Ugly Award is one prize you don't want to win.
1) The "I Know You Are But What Am I" Award for the ugliest burst of namecalling:
Forget "pro forma." The Latin phrase du jour is "ad hominem," fancy talk for an argument based on cheap personal insults.
Fiorina gets a nomination for her dismissive characterization of Walter Hewlett as a "musician and academic."
Hewlett also gets a nomination for his snide remark that next time around, he hopes HP gets a CEO who doesn't need executive training on the job. (Fiorina had never been a CEO before she took the helm at HP.)
But with all due respect, both Carly and Walter are lightweights. If you want to see real down-and-dirty name-calling, take a quick tour of the message boards, where opinionated jabberers spew forth insults like so much spittle.
Carly Fiorina -- also known as "Carly Purina" and "Crazy Foolerina" -- gets the worst of it. "No good...silly dilly" is one of the few printable epithets I've seen thrown her way.
But in the end I've decided to award the prize to one Yahoo Finance poster calling himself dr_clod_fish, who in a series of recent posts savaged poor Walter as a an "[EXPLETIVE] NERD YUPPY TURD!!!!" and "JUSYT [sic] ANOTHER YUPPY CLUELESS SON OF A RICH MAN."
Walter Hewlett may be a nerd. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) But if he's a "yuppy" then I'm Dorothy Parker, famed Algonquin Table wit and bitter bon vivant.
Speaking of which:
2) The Not-Quite-Dorothy-Parker Award for withering sarcasm:
The warring press releases that shoot forth with such regularity from Carly and Walter's respective camps tend to be long on indignation and short on wit -- even, perhaps especially, when they attempt the difficult art of sarcasm.
Nominee one: Walter Hewlett, for his response to statements from HP board members Phil Condit and Sam Ginn. They were assuring investors they wouldn't jump ship if the merger didn't go through -- at least not without finding proper replacements.
Walter's take: "We are gratified that Mr. Ginn and Mr. Condit reaffirmed to HP stockholders that the stability of the HP Board will continue...and that, should the merger be voted down, they will not [in Ginn's words] 'walk away and pout.'"
Nominee two: HP for its March 12 press release, filled with snide, scornful, and sometimes just plain ungrammatical rhetorical questions -- more than two dozen in all -- designed to embarrass poor Walter.
| |
RELATED HP/COMPAQ STORIES
| |
| | |
| | |
|
Sample: "After selling 6 million HP shares since coming out against the [Compaq] deal, what are your specific plans for further sales to implement your family foundation's 'diversification' strategy?...Do you really think your short-term financial interests don't make you different from other shareowners?" (um, did that last question specifically make any sense at all?)
(Click here to see the full press release.)
The winner? Carly's army. Walter Hewlett's tone is ironic and tart; HP's twenty-questions act makes it look petty. (Whether you agree with him or not, it's hard to argue that Hewlett is a carpetbagger who doesn't care about HP.)
3) The U.G.L.Y. You Ain't Got No Alibi Award for ugliest website:
Both HP and Walter Hewlett relied heavily on their websites to win over the undecided in this down-and-dirty battle.
HP's site is a slick corporate propaganda machine, elegantly designed and filled to bursting with pro-merger material.
Walter Hewlett's site, by contrast, is clunky and unsophisticated, with about as much graphical flair as a telephone bill.
So who wins the award? HP. There's nothing quite so ugly as a slick corporate propaganda machine.
Sign up to receive the Tech Investor column by e-mail.
Plus, see more tech commentary and get the latest tech news.
|
