Ask Bing: How to beat a bully

Ok, Mr. Bing, I want whatever pills you are taking, 'cause surely you are in la-la land with that lame answer about the bully boss -- you said the reader should give the bully the silent treatment. Let me tell you how that scenario will play out when you do that to a bully.

The boss will get more pissed and instead of screaming at him, he will then start screaming questions at him to get the rise he is looking for. Then when he doesn't have the satisfaction of seeing you squirm, he will terminate you on the spot for whatever lame reason he wants. Last time I looked, New York was an "at will" state, which means anyone can be terminated at any time without cause.

A better response would have been "Don't get defensive, apologize profusely (even if you don't mean it) and decide if this is the kind of BS you can put up with or not... If not don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out and find another job."

Dear misinformed and angry person: Bull. People can't just fire you for any reason, or no reason, and crazy bosses don't necessarily fire people all the time -- they just torture them. My feeling about bullies is that as horrible as they are in real life? They also -- insanely -- want to be liked by the people they bully. Go figure. I don't know how or why they develop this way.

But my experience over a lifetime of being bullied (now and then) and even myself BEING a bully (I try not to be), is that bullies need REACTIONS from people, and when they are denied that, they kind of lose their footing. So silence can, in fact, be a powerful weapon against a bully, and I highly recommend it, along with the denial of affection, the wielding of guilt, and the withdrawal of emotional and business input. Bullies cannot bully empty space. If you empty yourself, you have discovered a huge source of power against which no crazy boss can truly function.

That's why Zen is such a good tool to use against them. What is the sound of one hand smacking its own forehead, when nobody is around to hear it?

I work for a small medical company and I have certain clinical expertise and experience that only a handful of medical professionals in my field have. In fact, there may only be five such individuals in the state. My salary is about the same as others in my company who cannot perform my job.

I have an offer for a Federal job with better benefits but lower salary. How do I go for the big raise, another week's vacation and severance in a tactful manner? If they have to pay a temp company, it will cost them TWICE my salary. Thanks.

It sounds like you work in an intelligent place. If so, your bosses know two things: they know that you have a very special skill set, and they know they're underpaying you. They're happy about both. You need to play the long game here.

First, identify the smartest and most patient senior person in the place, and the one who likes you best. Hopefully, they're the same person. Then begin to lay out your concerns. Salary. Vacation. Job security (i.e. severance policy). Talk about these things and ask -- not demand -- to know what the company has in mind for you in these areas. In other words, start the conversation by making them think about it. Don't just go in with a hard number in your head. Make them think.

While they are thinking, look around the job market a little. Are there places you could go and be happy and make more money? Then why are you staying? What are they doing to make a person who can do what you do remain in place? Anything? Why not? And if not, who needs them?

When they come back to you -- or you get tired of waiting and go back to them -- listen, continue your discussion, and be patient but firm in your desire for more money, more vacation time, more whatever.

And you know what? If they don't come across with any recognition within a, say, three-month time frame? Take your unique abilities to a place that recognizes you for them. Life is too short to have to argue about these things more than once every three or four years.