Ask Bing: My wife died and they were jerks

I am burning out fast. I became a widower within the last year, and management seems to want more and more out of me but I seem to be producing less and less.

While my wife was sick and in an ICU ward all they did was complain about my productivity and gave me poor performance reviews. After she died I was given a few weeks to grieve then I was supposed to hit the ground running again. I am still ticked off by the fact that when I came back after her death, most of senior management didn't even offer their condolences!

They have been promising me for years that I will finally make the big bucks, but no one on my team has seen this promise come to fruition. Actually, at this point I could care less if I ever make big money and am actually thinking of leaving the finance world forever since it just a phone/sales grind to me.

My thoughts have drifted from taking a year off and traveling the world (I just don't want to do this alone yet) to starting my own home-based business and still taking time off in the winter months to travel. My biggest worry is the money runs out, I fail at even a small business and I am back in a cubicle in my 50's pounding out calls. What would you consider in my situation? I don't have kids holding me back -- just a few pets and a mortgage.

My friend, you are in grief. I am sorry for you, and I do offer my condolences. What you may not realize is that all your decisions are being based around that grief. It's warping your feelings about everything, infusing your daily world with anger and regret. Be aware of that, or you may make moves that you will wonder about later on.

This does NOT mean, however, that the feelings you have should be repressed or ignored. Not by a long shot. Fate has given you a chance to reinvent yourself. You have a lot more choice than you understand right now. At this time, you believe that you have two outcomes: 1) entrepreneurial success and 2) a cubicle. Do you see how silly that is? You don't have kids. You don't have a spouse or significant other right now. I take it you have enough money to think about traveling a bit.

So... you can take two roads right now. One leads straight ahead into the known. You're not getting the big bucks there, face it. They talk a good game, but they have you for cheap and I'm 84% sure they'll continue to play you that way, particularly if you don't leave. They're heartless? Boo-hoo. They're in Finance, for goodness sake.

The second road leads into the unknown. It's scary there, but there's a whole world for you to see and experience. People. Places. New jobs that DON'T take place in a cubicle. You may end up poor for a while. You may end up in a kitchen slinging hash. But you won't be bitter, I don't think. And each day will be new. I won't tell you what to do. But you can tell where my heart is going here.

Good luck to you, friend. And don't fool yourself. Your grief will last far beyond the point where you have use for it anymore. But it will also pass, and make you a stronger person, one who can see the world for real and not just through a veil of sadness, bitterness, and hermetically sealed glass.

Bing, I work for a small development and construction firm in Dallas. Our company is slated to do $30-35 million in volume over the next 2 years. I'm the Estimator/Jr. Developer/Scheduler/Owner Rep. With the manpower only consisting of a President, CFO, and Sr. Developer; I feel a considerable pay raise is in order.

I was hired to perform all estimating duties for the construction division but do a lot of the development duties as well. I currently make $55K and was shooting for $70-75K. On paper, the 35% increase in salary looks large but seems in line with my responsibilities. How do I overcome the sticker shock of my assessment and just ask for it? Do I present it on paper or convey it verbally?

Yeah, you just ask for it, in person, verbally. Come in prepared with a mental list of all the things you do. But they know what you do. They just want you for cheap. And let me tell you something $75K a year in Dallas is not a lot of money. Even at that wage, you're a bargain for them, considering what you do.

Don't be demanding. Don't get mad. Just say, "Hey, I'm doing six jobs and I need a title and a raise that kind of reflects what I do. And if I don't get it I'm going to be pretty disappointed." They'll jump up and down for a while, but if you're as valuable as you think they'll bump you up to $65K immediately.

That's when things get rough. You'll have to say, "Yo, that's great, I'm very thankful, but I want another review in six months, because I'm still not really where I want to be, you know?" And keep it up. Keep it up. Keep it up.

I think you sound like a good fit with the company, and they sound like the loss of you would hurt them worse than the twenty five grand you're looking for. Keep pushing. Keep being disappointed when you have reason to be. And most of all? Keep WORKING. Be non-fungible. Fill their hearts with fear at the prospect of your departure. You'll get there.