My 10 dumbest moments of 2007
Like many of you, I indulged in some stunning acts of pure dumbness. Herewith, the highlights.
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NEW YORK (Fortune) -- Today Fortune rolls out its 101 Dumbest Moments of 2007. This highly awaited event is celebrated elsewhere on this page, and generates a host of feelings in the consumer. Foremost in this particular reader, beyond amusement and occasional shock and revulsion, is a vast relief that my own dumbness was not revealed in these pages.
Granted, unlike Paris Hilton, I never attempted to trademark my own inanities, but that was simply because I didn't think I could get away with it. Next year, I plan to ask my attorney whether I can lay claim to my trademark greeting, "Yo, dude." Should I be successful, I can quit this crazy scene and take up surfing, a pastime I have never been able to fit into my schedule.
Still, 2007 was a year when I, like many of you, indulged in some stunning acts of pure dumbness, and in a spirit of candor and self-revelation suitable to the season, and of course as an homage to Fortune's noble effort in this regard, I will hereby submit my own stupidest moments for your review.
- In February, Bing submits a host of expenses related to entertainment during the Holiday season just past. Contained somewhere therein are several Town Car rides that later do not stand up to scrutiny. "Please explain six hours of waiting time outside The Dog's Bottom Bar and Grill," says the annotation from Finance. Bing is forced to write a check.
- On September 18, Bing decides he is tired of his car for no particular reason. The following weekend he goes out and purchases a V-8 sedan that gets about 11 miles per gallon, highway. After a nice drive in the country the following weekend, he fills up his gas tank. It costs him $72.50.
- On March 15, Bing cancels a luncheon with security analyst Morty Fatnick for the third time, simply because he cannot stand to eat while looking at the enormous wart on the end of Fatnick's nose or listen to Fatnick talk once again about his pet rabbit, Spunky. Fatnick later issues a Sell rating on Bing's company, costing Bing thousands in the value of his stock options.
- On Monday, June 4, as Google hovers around $500 per share, Bing decides that it has hit the roof and sells all his shares in the company. On November 7th, when it has soared over $700, Bing is plunged into despondency and, after work that evening, goes out to a restaurant and has three and a half martinis and a 24 ounce steak. The next morning he awakes with a head the size of a mushmelon, feeling like a big fat loser for too many reasons to enumerate. He later falls so deeply asleep during a key Powerpoint presentation that he snores and offends the CFO.
- On August 7th, on vacation near the shore, Bing lies down on the sundeck of his rented house and, for some reason, decides to read the Wall Street Journal. This quite naturally causes him to fall asleep at the height of the day, giving him a wicked sunburn that keeps him inside for the rest of the week.
- On September 14th, Bing decides that he has OCD and should stop being so obsessive and compulsive about things. That day, determined to normalize his behavior, he leaves home without checking to see whether he has left the oven on for the first time in living memory. This one time he actually has left the oven on and the fire department has to be called to rescue his Cavalier King Charles spaniel.
- On October 1, Bing attends a Board dinner at which he decides to be amusing, and finds himself making gentle fun of the current President of the United States. He is not present at the November 1 Board dinner.
- On November 23, Bing receives a telephone call from Keith "Slimy" Nerdlinger, a reporter for a great metropolitan online newspaper, who asks him a number of probing questions pertaining to his industry, his company, and his competitors. "This is way off the record, Slimy," Bing tells the reporter. "Absolutely," says the reporter, who then blogs about the conversation in great detail and totally busts him.
- On December 3, Bing runs into the Vice President of Development of his alma mater and gives him his email address. By the following day, his office is swarming with fundraisers and he forced to jump through his hermetically sealed window, which really hurts.
- On December 17, Bing publishes his 10 Dumbest Moments of 2007, making himself look even more dubious than had been previously suspected.
STANLEY BING'S latest book, Crazy Bosses (Collins), is available at finer bookstores everywhere. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on his Web site, stanleybing.com.