The man who would be Bing

(Fortune Magazine) -- I've been thinking a lot about line extensions to my core operation. Revenue growth in the near and intermediate term seems locked in at a low-single-digit rate, and if I'm going to jump-start my personal Oibitda, new top-line streams have to be developed.

Having just about ruled out knocking over a bank, and realizing that selling the airspace over my head is a movable feast at best, I've settled on a solution discovered by rappers, celebutantes and other professional public figures who seek to turn their notoriety into cash. I am speaking, of course, of my own line of branded clothing, jewelry, cosmetics and personal grooming products.

Let's start with the heart of the new Bing product line - the range of business attire that will help any newbie or soul-patched avatar acquire a credible persona that leeches off mine. We begin with BingWhere, my line of suits, slacks, sport jackets, lobster bibs and footwear, which allows those with a decent budget to fake it at a very high level. Colors range from light brown to dark gray, with a blue pinstripe thrown in for those who have to pretend they know something about finance. The moment I stopped wearing power ties, by the way, I started doing much better, so those are out, replaced by neckwear as fat and buttery as a scone at teatime, in hues from dark gray with silver dots to light gray with black dots.

Man (and woman who likes to wear men's clothing) does not live at the office alone, however. For the power hitter at home or at the game there is more relaxed garb. Since I myself own nothing for this purpose except jeans and black T-shirts, many of which have non-Bing branding (my middle name is not Levi), I have decided to emulate the just-rapped look favored by Jay-Z, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg and others, and offer a line of enormous pajamas in a variety of silks and sateens. I wish I'd had them when I was a boy, instead of those skin-tight chinos that made me look like ten pounds of sausage in a five-pound bag!

There's another crucial part of my acquirable zeitgeist that enhances the Bing aura and expands the perception of egregious ostentation that should go with adoption of the brand. It's called Blings! Shiny neckwear with pendants in global denominations! Belt chains to make sure a potential partner doesn't escape from the table before the deal is done! Naturally, a full line of golden handcuffs to make sure you're happy at the company once your deal is signed and of course a host of whips, holsters, spurs and other metal and leather to do anything you want with - it's none of my business, good luck to you. Bing is all about embracing your own individual weirdness.

No assimilation of the Bing thing would be complete without a fragrance, possibly more than one, depending on the time of day - a mélange of scents that expresses the inspirations, aspirations and perspirations of those who wish to emulate me.

I will be joining the ranks of such luminaries as Michael Jordan, Celine Dion, J.Lo, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Naomi Campbell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Carlos Santana, Sean Jean Diddy, Maria Sharapova, Hilary Swank and even David Beckham, just to name a few of those who have made millions marketing the idea that people want to smell like them. Obviously the scent will need a catchy name that expresses all that the Bing lifestyle stands for. I was thinking Eau de Whatever. Like it?

Going hand in silk glove with it will be cosmetics and grooming products to add panache to the Bing product line. Included will be Bingapoo, a hair cleanser and revitalizer for those who have very little, and Stubble, a facial crème for those who seek that "too busy to shave" look.

Wow! What a rush! I'm loving the idea of you ... buying me! Becoming me! Hahahahahahahaha! Bing movies! Bing cuisine! Bing Towers! Virtual Bingworld online in Second Life! The heck with virtual! Why not a small nation in Central Europe funded by the proceeds of everything Bing? Bingtopia!

What? Huh? What are you doing with that net? Help! Is there a fellow egomaniac in the house? Of course there is! This is a magazine read by successful executives!

Hey, look. I gotta run. People always try to put a lid on greatness, but it won't do them any good! In the end, I will win - or my name isn't ...

Oh, that's right! Bing!

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