(FORTUNE Magazine) – Yes, once again there are only a handful of days until that magic moment arrives when we must provide manifestations of regard for those who already have everything. I'm not talking about spouses, children, and aged parental units, who may be disappointed with regularity, if not aplomb. I'm referring to key business associates, some of whom do, indeed, own all it is possible to accumulate in one lifetime and, worse, desire little that anyone but Michael Ovitz could afford.

Making things more difficult is the fact that a business gift must be (a) witty, displaying knowledge of the recipient; (b) not overly squishy or invasively personal; (c) related in some way to business, if possible; and (d) not so expensive--a set of Callaway golf clubs, for instance--that it implies you have no need for further incremental compensation.

If this delicate and complicated web seems too tough for you to untangle after the ten days of mandatory festivity that typically begin in the corporate world around December 1, allow me to suggest some tokens of affection that I--the quintessential recipient--would enjoy getting, if you care enough to send one in. (Don't hesitate, by the way.)

I've got you under my skin. First on my list of stocking stuffers would be a one-month supply of Androderm, the new testosterone patch from SmithKline Beecham. Cleared by the FDA in late September and available now, this brand-new transdermal system can be applied to any fleshy part of the body. This is an improvement over prior models, which had to be applied, well, elsewhere. (That's one of the little suckers on the fellow's neck there above.) Two patches are worn simultaneously and replaced every morning, at a cost of about $3 per day. More good news: The patches will eventually be available for women, who clearly need them as much as men do in the current operating environment. These fabulous testosterone boosters will obviously be most appreciated by middle managers embroiled in merger and acquisition scenarios, particularly where there is replication of function between existing and acquired operations. Slap on the patch--and may the best vice president win!

All right, varmint--draw your water! Now that agua purificada has replaced coffee and soda as the power drink, executives everywhere find themselves quaffing it at high-level meetings. Some--our general counsel to name but one--may show up at gatherings with as much as a gallon of distilled water in a plastic jug, which they then tap surreptitiously throughout budget reviews. This is clearly a cumbersome solution. For better designer-water management next year, check out the Lowe Alpine Quickdraw II. Two slanted water-bottle holders are positioned on this belted waist unit for, as the name suggests, quick and aggressive access. Designed for comfort and convenience, it has a padded back and is sold in large sporting-goods stores everywhere for $39.95.

I am not a cook. But like a lot of people, I like to feel like one. I don't think I'm alone. A surprising number of power munchers enjoy decompressing over a hot stove. Fortunately, there are a number of cool, gizmotic appliances to choose from--several of which perfectly express our mental landscapes, business-wise. Example: George Foreman's Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Machine is the perfect grilling attachment for executives who spend their days cutting excess from the corporate body. The special griller features "patented grooves" to steer unneeded grease into a removable tray, whence it can be easily outplaced ($39.99, from Salton/Maxim Housewares).

No trend is more happening, however, than the drive toward vertical integration, the need for which has been explained to me on at least ten occasions, each time successfully. To keep the excellence of this strategy in mind, I'm going to ask my wife to get me a Royal Rotisserie Plus ($129 from Regal Ware), which provides vertical broasting of foodstuffs for maximum operational torque and weft. "A vertical design allows your foods to baste in their own juices for the most tender meals you've ever tasted," says the company press release. Could Mr. Eisner have laid out the benefits of the ABC acquisition any better?

Close the door--I'm dressing down. As we all get older and straighter, a commensurate longing for the trappings of our former hipness--if we ever had any--washes over those of us young enough to remember a time when lime-green slacks were considered uncool. At its outer limits, this yearning for former bodaciousness may drive poor, befuddled boomers to toss off their khakis and button-down shirts and get "funky" in excessively downtown (or, in some Midwestern cities, uptown) locations. To abet such moments, colleagues attuned to their associate's alternative yearnings can choose from an amusing variety of "hip helpers."

Top of my list: individual clip-on earrings (Woolworth, $2.95 each, or Tiffany, $1,575 for the diamond-studded pair). Consider also Faux Tattoos (sold at Trash & Vaudeville in New York City, for $3 to $5, plus $2,545 for a two-day visit to the city).

Perhaps the most effective expression of cultural awesomeness is a license plate frame with your personal Internet E-mail address on it. This totem of personal power may be obtained from DHM Information Management for $19.50 (310-643-4908 or through their Well site at http://www.power.net/lpf.html). Add a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers, and bingo--you're phat, gnarly dude!

Ultimate downtime. When the 16-hour tour of duty is done, what harried, austere executive wouldn't like to kick off the shell of acquired maturity and address the needy, sometimes frightened 6-year-old who resides within? From my closest professional friend, I know I'd appreciate a pair of one-piece pajamas from Lanz of Salzburg, available in most fine department stores ($47 for those with bears and dogs, $56 for plain flannel). Unfortunately, they don't have feet on them, or a little patch at the seat; and they button, not zip. But still. If you give them to me, I'll wear them. Maybe they'll help me forget my promise to help build revenues 8% in an economy that's generating barely three points of incremental growth.

But if you're only giving one gift--get the Beatles. Thanks to the current worldwide marketing onslaught, just about any disk or tape the boys ever made is now available, and makes a perfect gift for any colleague under 50--excluding callow Gen Xers, who seem to consider the Monkees the apotheosis of Western culture. The plump guy next to you on the train, snoozing with the software manual on his lap? He's got "Girl" running through his smooth little dome. The Margaret Thatcher lookalike on the escalator, who's scowling into the middle distance as if she's tasting something terrible on the tip of her tongue? She's remembering the 30 letters she wrote to George back in the summer of 1964, and how she cried when she heard he'd married that horrible Patty Boyd. The Beatles were fun and fab, and the messages they sent are so comforting now, especially at Xmastide. All you need is love, for instance...and money can't buy you love, yeah...and...in the end, the love you take is equal to the money you make...

Wasn't it something like that? Feliz Navidad, gang.

By day, Stanley Bing is a real executive at a real FORTUNE 500 company he'd rather not name.

Reporter Associate Melanie Warner