The Love Song of Alfred E. Neuman
By Stanley Bing

(FORTUNE Magazine) – April is the cruelest month. But not this April! Let's do lunth! Why not? It's spring! What fun! Hoorah! Hey, nonny nonny! Cha-cha-cha! God bless us all and everyoney. Nobody's not making money! Every office, desk, and bureau Crammed with--what is that? A euro? Ha-ha-ha! La-la-la! Nonny nonny! Rah! Rah! Rah!

Yes, friends, as newly sprouts the vine, And Dow and Nasdaq fat as swine (And multiples at 99!), With crispy green stuff all encumbered, Here they come! Our fat 500! From big GM to li'l Tribune, a Crowd of achievers, each a kahuna. Mergers up the big wazoo Have transformed the neighborhoo. Travelers! Chrysler! Buh-bye! Toodle-oo! So many gone! So many gobbled! To another firm they're cobbled. Dance we to the discombobbled! Hey, nonny nonny! Wow! Yahoo!

Oops! Since we're based on revenue, Not speculative whoop-de-doo, There's no Yahoo! Oh, no! Boo-hoo! No Amazon? No For eBay we bay! They're the bomb! How can there be no Internet? No sweat. Don't fret. It's just not yet. Next year there will be more, you bet. Until that time of them we sing Who make real cash flow bulge and ring. Clorox! Gleaming at the rear! Twenty percentiles up this year. A Cheer! (No, Cheer is made by Procter & Gamble, Which also of growth is a good examble.) And here's Fortune Brands! They're no idjits, Producing growth in triple digits After acquiring something or other. Tell your mother! Tell your brother! Tell your Uncle Fritz's lover!

Strange how plans come to fruition After you eat the competition. Like No. 443, Suiza Foods of Dallas, Which grew faster than a presidential phallus. Who knows what they did to quicken our pulses? All that counts is their resultses. And United Stationers of Des Plaines, Illinois? Step on out here! Don't be coy! With profits up thousands and thousands percentages, You not only broke records, you put 'em in bandages!

And those are just the guys at the bottom. You want some from the middle? We got 'em. At No. 327, Starwood. They lodge people And generate gains that make others look feeble. 3Com! Dynegy! Cinergy! Good folks a lot like you and me. And Safeco! Tenneco! PPG! Building shareholder equity! AFLAC! CSX! SCI! Microsoft! Unicom! TCI! Top them! Try! And now...Best Buy! Here's 5,000% profit growth in your eye!

On the other hand, whoa: Owens Corning. They must wish that last year died aborning. Profits down--ouch--1600 percent? Which way did it go, guys? Which way did it went? Zooming now up to the toppety ranks! A lot of brown water and several banks Have cause to offer thanks.

So many companies, so little time, nonny nonny! For the kind of rare dudes who made the most money! Safeway! Costco! And Conagra! And how 'bout those guys who gave us Viagra? Upward! BankAmerica merged and splurged, And more than $50B regurged! That's gross! And we mean that nicely. And Citigroup just did their revenue twicely. So they're up ten points to No. 7 Good! IBM holds fast at No. 6-- they should! GE and Exxon! La-di-da! Booga-booga! Turn in performances as sweet as sugar!

So crack open those celebrity sodas! For Wal-Mart! Ford! And General Motors! The top three of all in the world's greatest marketses! Let's plant big wet kisses all over their carcatses!

So nonny nonny! Hi-di-hey! Let's make this year a big-biz one! See you all in Y2K. If there is one.