Market Rap
By Stanley Bing

(FORTUNE Magazine) – CHORUS (Elton John):

The Nasdaq's sunk below 2,000, Tech stocks got so far to fall; As I sit and think about my options, It's not so bad, it's not so bad....

Hey, man, where you been? Ain't you the broker Who kept me plump as Al Roker since the days of Paul Volcker? It's been tough to find you. Why you acting so shady? You're like a bashful lady, or a dog with some rabies. On your say-so I bought Kmart and a bit of Merck. Did so good for a while-- hey, I almost quit work. Now I'm worried. I'm hassled. (I guess so are y'all.) And I got some questions about my asset accrual. Look, I know you got troubles, I read about it in the Journal, You guys all losing your day gigs and going nocturnal. But I'm sure you'll pull it out, pal. I'm your biggest fan. I keep your resume picture on my credenza, man. What you tipped me to last winter--hey, that stuff was phat. Anyways, if you get this voice mail, please message me back. We can chat, on the LAN, if you can, this is Stan. CHORUS (Dido):

The Dow is down around my ankles And poor old Lucent's hit the wall; But I can still jump out my window So it's not so bad, it's not so bad...

Hey, G, on my call sheet I still don't see you numbered. Now I'm here at my desk peepin' this FORTUNE 500. I ain't angry or upset; I'm still going for the gusto, But I gotta admit I'm a little nonplused, yo. Just look at all this cash flow and profit and ranking! How come my net worth is so close to stanking? Slick, I saw you at the conference at the Waldorf Astoria Lookin' like you had just swallowed some Fletcher's Castoria. I don't wanna bore ya, or insist on euphoria, I just think it's messed up that I didn't see more of ya. You remember? It was sponsored by Credit Suisse First Boston. You looked like you were looking for a hole you could get lost in. I asked you, What's up with the bottomless situation, Causing all this frustration across the fiduciary nation? You just blew by me, Slick, with no appreciation For the fact that my net worth has had some bad depreciation. You disappoint me, Jack. I believed the stuff you was tellin'. I used to tell my girl, "Yo, I'm buying what he's sellin'." Now nothin's jellin'. I don't wanna start yellin' but The spit has hit the can. So call me, man. I'm still your fan. Best wishes always, Stan.

CHORUS (Maria Bartiromo):

The Fed was not so very helpful; We don't know if we should put or call; But as long as there's a golf course out your window It's not so bad, it's not so bad at...

Yo, Mister I-Can't-Predict-the-Economy, What you do, sniff some glue? Get some kind of a lobotomy? I have to say, I ain't goin' away, and I see a real dichotomy Between now and last year, when everything looked so hot to me. I've been obsessin', stressin' over this issue of FORTUNE And I'll be straight, I don't get why we're in this mean contortion. Okay, the list is scrambled some, from last year to this one-- Exxon's up, GM is down a little, that's no reason to dis one-- But if you look for opportunities, hey, it's hard to miss one. You got trillions of net with strong fundamentals. To see us decline into the slime, it's like a kick in the genitals. They say the market is rational, but y'know, I don't believe it. Right now it's in the tank, ain't nothing can retrieve it. If there's anything but fear motivating it, I can't perceive it. All we can do is sit and pray and moan and bitch and grieve it. Well, I tell you what, Chuck, I 'bout had it with your face. I'd grab my hat (if I had a hat, which is not the case) And stick all of my investments in an online database And hit ERASE, no matter how bad the loss I'd be sustainin', I ain't complainin'. Could be worse--it could be rainin'! I was a hick who loved you, Slick, but now I'm out of the market, And if you got another spin, you know where you can park it. I hope you lie awake at night and scream in contrition! I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without my commission! And now you know what I'ma do? Heck, I'm going fishin'!

FINAL CHORUS (Alan Greenspan):

You guys are stupid and excessive. Any move we make will be quite small, And when you awake in late November You'll see it's not so bad, it's not so bad at all.