(FORTUNE Magazine) – Your startup is gasping for air, and there's not an angel investor in sight. Don't panic. Clip and save these simple steps, and you may yet be able to bring your venture back from the brink of bankruptcy. Point your browser to www.modernhumorist.com for more.

--Modern Humorist

Basic First Aid: If dot-com is feverish, administer fluids, sponge with cool water, and cancel deals with celebrity partners until burn rate diminishes. If dot-com is unconscious, gently elevate the CEO's computer and wrap a warm blanket until you think of something useful to do. If dot-com is in the broadband entertainment category, immediately administer Pentium IV computers and DSL lines to the 98% of the country unable to view your product. Issue press release delaying Website redesign by two weeks.

Advanced First Aid: Grasp your venture capitalist from behind. Place your fist on his abdomen and squeeze firmly until he coughs up more cash. In a clear, loud voice, declare that you dot-com is not a Web property but a means to extend into more reputable industries, such as communications, auto repair, and escort services. Issue press release announcing shift from B2C to B2B (or vice versa).

Giving Up: Ask employees to work for free and bring computers from home. If any money remains in petty cash, send fruit basket to Jeff Bezos. Issue press release stating that your dot-com was "ahead of its time." Sell domain name on eBay.

Warning Signs of a Dying Dot-Com:

1. Casually "postpones" IPO 2. Blocks internal access to f---edcompany.com 3. Replaces 180 full-time employees with two interns and a chatterbot.