(FORTUNE Magazine) – 1 Call your assistant and tell him you're out of pocket for all July. Really, it's been far too long since you've properly celebrated Lasagna Awareness Month. While you're at it, send a shout-out up north for Canada Day. The World Health Organization says Canadian travel is perfectly safe. And what with exchange rates, it's one of the few places you can still afford to go.

2 The International Association of Science and Technology for Development (IASTED) takes over Banff, Alberta, with three conferences starting today and two (!) on the 14th. Sending her regrets: Reese Witherspoon, perkiness personified, whose Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde opens today.

3 The LISA Forum on managing content to improve workflow wraps up in London. LISA stands for Localization Industry Standards Association. Wasn't it more fun when you didn't know? Stop by the Harrods sale on your way to Heathrow.

4 Happy Independence Day! A haiku:

Little wand of light, You singe my hands and give me Sparklerphobia.

5/6 Mother, Poppy, Laura, and the rest of the Bush clan burn 57 candles in W.'s honor. What does one get the President who has everything? World peace? Nah. Maybe a tie. Other Cancer birthdays: Mexican Presidente Vicente Fox (the 2nd), hotel queen Leona Helmsley and baseball curmudgeon George Steinbrenner (the 4th), someone named Steve Forbes (the 18th), and Senator Elizabeth Dole (the 29th). Liddy, truth be told, is actually a Leo, but we're inclusive. Meanwhile, the Tour de France starts Saturday, and Wimbledon ends Sunday. Our prediction: No old favorites in the winners' circles this year.

7 You could go to the O'Reilly Open Source Convention in Portland, Ore., or the International Congress on Industrial and Applied Math in Sydney, but wouldn't you much rather run with the bulls in Pamplona? It may be the closest thing to working for Harvey Weinstein that any of us will ever experience.

8 Bean counters take Beantown. The National Association of Black Accountants gathers in Boston to talk shop, earn continuing-education credit, and hit the links. Note to the rest of you corporate conference planners: Having an all-day golf tournament can only be a good thing.

9 Catalyst North America, on network infrastructure and services, gears up in San Francisco. The Pirates of the Caribbean movie, starring Johnny Depp, opens nationwide. The budget was reportedly $125 million, Depp's average opening weekend box office is $6 million, and pirate movies tend to bomb. Get those fingers crossed, Disney! Harder!

10 The National Society of Professional Engineers holds its annual convention and expo in San Antonio, where the average high temperature this time of year is 94 degrees. Those engineers? Not so smart.

11 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen debuts in theaters. Even nearing the age of 73, Sean Connery proves that he's still buffer and tougher than you. And he's kissed Catherine Zeta-Jones (we'd print a picture, but our lawyers are afraid of lawsuits).

14 It's Bastille Day, but who cares? MacWorld is back in NYC. If you can't make it, no sweat--just pretend! MacWorld sells apparel, hats, and bags online, including a T-shirt that says SINGLE MAC GEEK ($14.95). Surprisingly, this babe magnet comes in sizes other than small.

15 Swing and a miss! Major League Baseball puts aside corked bats, salary disputes, and sucker-punching fans to get its All-Star Game on in Chicago. Accenture, Intel, and YUM Brands (Taco Bell, KFC, etc.) report earnings. What impresses us: How Taco Bell manages to keep creating new menu items from the same five ingredients.

16 Apple, Leggett & Platt, and Genzyme report. FORTUNE's Noshua Watson wrote a story about Genzyme in our last issue. Here's a fascinating fact she didn't include: "The company uses Chinese hamster ovaries to make its medications." Thank you, Noshua.

17 Callaway Golf claims it's sheer coincidence that the firm is announcing earnings the very same day the British Open starts (just like back in '02). "If you look at all of our earnings releases, they're typically the third Thursday following the end of the quarter," reports Barb in investor relations. Sure, Barb, sure.... Also, Disneyland opened on this date in 1955. Admission for a family of four in 1955: $3. Today: $168 (somewhat higher than the $20.57 it would be if it followed the rate of inflation). There's something fulsome about spending the equivalent of a car payment to see a freakishly large mouse. Not that we're criticizing Disney. COO Bob Iger stopped by recently, and we found him kinda sexy.

18 Dell has its annual meeting, in Austin. Shareholders must decide whether to change the name from Dell Computer Corp. to Dell Inc. How about tackling a serious issue, like those tired "intern" commercials? Bring back the pot-smoking dude. It's not like we couldn't figure that one out.

19/20 There's a full moon tonight. At some point this month Bohemian Grovers do that running-naked-in-the-Northern-California-woods thing. Except they're not naked. And not what anyone would call bohemian. Frankly, we don't even believe they are in the woods. Can you see Henry Kissinger pitching a tent? (Um, never mind.)

21 Financial Resources Association hosts the Variable Annuities Summit in Boston, where they'll try to figure out if their industry is dead while "networking and getting smashed" at their cocktail reception, says a spokesman. Meanwhile, Novartis announces earnings. With $100 billion in market value (22.4 P/E), it can pretty much say what it likes.

22 Radio Shack, UPS, Sun, and Cheesecake Factory all report. There is an actual cheesecake factory in Calabasas Hills, Calif.: It churns out 24,000 cheesecakes a day. But cheesecake is not the most popular item on the restaurant chain's menu. It's cajun jambalaya pasta.

23 Today brings Cadbury Schweppes, Volvo, P.F. Chang's, and Tupperware (we didn't know it was public either). Also, San Francisco hosts Real Estate Connect, a conference that invites you to "Find out why Barry Diller spent $700 million on LendingTree." (Because with Freddie Mac on the ropes, he's one step closer to global domination.)

25 Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Nullam sed enim. This is what magazines call "dummy type." It's a placeholder until the real text comes in. But you try finding business events in July.

26/27 On Saturday, Online Trader's Expo calls it a day in Chicago. What you missed: the Trader's Duel, in which two online traders battle to make the most money in 90 minutes; and, selling his "experience" as the former chairman of the SEC, keynote speaker Harvey Pitt. Well, there's always next year.

28 Big brains--including Madeleine Albright, venture capitalist John Doerr, Boeing's Phil Condit, Congresswoman Maxine Waters, and Home Depot's Bob Nardelli--make pilgrimages to Aspen for FORTUNE's Brainstorm 2003. (Aspen--now that's a setting for a conference.) This year's topic: Is the world getting better or worse? Is that a trick question? "It is a trick question," concedes FORTUNE editor and Brainstorm guru David Kirkpatrick. "The fact is, nobody knows the answer." Mmkay, well, is it at least fun? "Fun? These are the kinds of people who think it's fun trying to figure out what's going on in the world. Most of the attendees say it's the most stimulating thing they've ever done in their lives." Note to self: Pack Stoli Vanil and a deck of cards.

30 Tech Ops 2003: The Institutional Investment Management Technology and Operations Summit gets underway in New York. The conference "addresses virtually every topic of importance affecting institutional investment management operations personnel!" For something that might actually keep you awake, the Fed issues its Beige Book.

31 The World Shoe Association brings its EEE-sized expo to the Mandalay Bay Convention Center, Sands Expo, and Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. Jerry Seinfeld--yes, the Jerry Seinfeld--is performing at the footwear show's sold-out opening night. (As if that beats Phil Condit!)

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