(MONEY Magazine) – CONGRATULATIONS!" "WAY TO GO!" NICE COMPLIMENTS--and heartfelt too--all directed at my wife and me from friends, family, even comparative strangers. The happy occasion was our son Jamie's graduation from college. Cum laude. "Oooh, Harvard," they said. "Nice job."

That's the great thing about having your sprig (in my case, step-sprig) awarded a B.A.You get an A+ in parenting, while he does all the work. (In this case, Jamie's father and stepmother got an A+ too.) What's more, we all got to bask in the glow twice. The pats on the back began during Jamie's senior year in high school, when he got into Harvard.

Not that it's immoral to share some of the credit for his achievement. But from what I've learned from people who have made the mistake, excessive parental involvement in college selection can lead to teen angst and mutual disappointment later. That's why the best advice my wife Ciji and I ever got on the subject was "remember, it's your kid who's applying, not you." And some version of that sentiment is what several dozen parents who have been through the college admissions process tell me is the best advice they ever received too.

For Ciji and me, our source of guidance was Jamie's high school counselor, Judy Warren, who would cringe when she heard parents say things like, "We got 1,350 on our SATs." Her reason? "Applying to college is not about collecting a trophy for getting your child into a prestige school," says Warren, now a clinical psychologist. "It's about researching schools, and finding the best fit." Her point: Prestige is worthless if your child winds up miserable.

That's why parents who have been through the application process say it properly starts with an assessment of your offspring. What are her hopes, interests, talents, aptitudes? Is his passion science--or surfing? Have they, as individuals, found their niche among the demanding courses that selective colleges require? Realistic answers to these questions help avoid later laments, such as, "I don't know why I came to this school; I guess it was because my dad did."

Unrealistic answers can also result in mismatches--or tragedy. A common occurrence was experienced by a friend's daughter. Unenthusiastic about the schools her parents helped her pick, she reluctantly attended one for a year before dropping out. Only now, after four years of exposure to the working world--some of it waitressing--has she been inspired to plan a return to college, but on her own terms.

On a darker note, a very capable high school graduate of my acquaintance felt so out of place and so under pressure at the high-powered university his parents endorsed for him that he wound up trying to kill himself.

Perhaps parents find it hardest to avoid getting nosy during the actual application process. Obviously you don't want your kid to go through the pain of rejection because of a so-so application. On the other hand, you don't want to nag him either. On this matter, it's best to adhere to the advice offered by Seamus Malin, a father who's been there and knows. "Parents should be guides, not drill sergeants," says Malin, a senior admissions officer at Harvard for many years and the parent of three college graduates. He adds, "You shouldn't try to make your kid look perfect by trying to polish him on paper."

Why not, you ask? What could be wrong with helping your star put his best foot forward? Nothing. But the best way to do that, according to our advice purveyors, is to encourage him to present himself in the most personally attractive manner. Urge him to solicit the best references he can--not from your friends, Congressman Big Deal or Mr. Major College Donor, but from people who know him well and are enthusiastic about telling why he is special. And while there's nothing wrong with offering comments, the application essay shouldn't be your handiwork; it should reflect his personality. Was Harvard impressed by Jamie's account of the day he soloed for his pilot's license at age 17? Presumably. We certainly felt it distinguished him as an interesting individual.

Staying on the sidelines helps you make an important and necessary transition. That's because the college admissions process represents not just the next chapter in your child's education but the beginning of the end of your job as parent. If you can make the trip, the best way to say good-bye and good luck is by helping the family freshman settle into his new home. "It's a landmark moment in his passage to adulthood," says Ciji. Absolutely. And if you're having trouble adjusting to the idea of letting go, remember that you'll be back in four years to get your congratulations.