(MONEY Magazine) – Watching your mom's or dad's health decline is tough. Squabbling with your siblings over how best to help can make the situation a nightmare. Maybe your brother isn't doing his fair share of the hands-on work or your well-off sister has yet to contribute a penny. Hostility builds. Grudges develop. Take these steps to reduce the strain and allow your family to focus on what's really important: getting your parent the best possible help.

• GET THE PICTURE. Conflicts often arise because of misunderstandings about a parent's condition. After all, if your out-of-state brother isn't around to witness it, he may not know that Mom sometimes forgets to turn off the stove. Fill siblings in so they'll know why it's imperative to spend $20 an hour for in-home help. If they're still in denial, ask the doctor to discuss your parent's care needs with the whole clan (maybe by phone).

• SHARE THE LOAD. Don't assume the sibling who lives closest will do most of the caregiving. Instead, have a family meeting to create a list of tasks and divide them fairly, says Linda Fodrini-Johnson of Eldercare Services. Ask for volunteers first, but make sure everyone has a suitable job--a sibling who lives far away might pay Dad's bills online while one who lives closer tackles more of the day-to-day care.

• TALK FRANKLY ABOUT MONEY. You suspect your sister opposes a pricey nursing home because she wants an inheritance, but she's really worried that Mom will go broke by 85. Openly discussing the cost of care and how the family will pay can clear the air.

• SEEK OUT A MIDDLEMAN. Still bickering? Get objective advice from a geriatric care manager. To have an outside party breaking up a fight with your siblings will make you feel like a kid again.