What would you do for money?

NEW YORK (Money Magazine) -- Perhaps you've lent your sister and brother-in-law money to buy their daughter a computer for school, and now you learn that they've put remodeling their bathroom ahead of repaying you.

Maybe you've discovered that a rival at work has been telling the boss negative things about you - true things, unfortunately - to get the inside track on a much coveted promotion.

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Money and Ethics Your money-ethics score Money Magazine posed these questions to a sample of 1,000 adults. Answer them to see if you see eye to eye with most people. (more) Mom's money? Or my wife's loyalty? See how Money Magazine's ethicists answer this tough ethical dilemma in their new blog - and see what readers think too. (more)

Or maybe, at a family powwow, your parents announce that they're leaving the bulk of their estate to the organic farming commune in Maine where your sister resides - the same sister who rarely calls and hasn't been to see them in 15 years.

You're steamed, of course, and wondering just what's happened to these people's ethics - don't they know how to behave? And maybe you're wondering if other people face the same kind of problems, and, if so, how they handle them.

We wondered too. So we set out to learn what people feel are the right and wrong ways to deal with common financial dilemmas and how they resolve the ethical challenges they face as consumers, employees, friends and family members.

The results of our nationwide survey of more than 1,000 adults, half men and half women (conducted for us by The Research Spectrum, a San Francisco polling firm), provide an unprecedented look into the thinking and behavior about money issues and the moral compass of the people you interact with every day.

Sure, understanding how others think and behave will help you deal with them more effectively. And it's intriguing to weigh your reactions against those of other survey takers. But let's face it: It's also just fun to marvel at what some people will do for a buck.

One thing is for sure: Whether you're a man or a woman, old or young, rich or not so rich, you probably consider yourself a whole lot more ethical than other folks when it comes to money.

When we asked survey participants to rank themselves on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is "very unethical" and 10 is "very ethical," three out of four gave themselves top grades. But only 15 percent gave marks as high to other people.

It makes sense that you'd give better grades to someone you know (respondents gave almost equally good marks to their spouses as to themselves, for example) than to strangers. But as it turns out, you actually have good reason to be wary of "the other guy's" ethics. That's because there are plenty of people who, when given the chance, take the low road.

One out of five respondents, for example, said they would keep the money and say nothing if their bank put $2,000 into their account by mistake; one out of six said they'd never fully repaid the largest amount of money they'd ever borrowed from a friend or relative; the same number said they'd returned an item to a store for a refund once they were done using it; and one in 25 admitted that they'd stolen expensive tools or supplies from work.

And of course, all these numbers are probably low, since poll takers have long known that people being surveyed tend to be less than candid when an honest answer would reflect badly on them. (Although to be fair, the people who gave themselves the highest grade in our survey did consistently make more ethical choices than those who rated themselves five or lower.)

Cause for cynicism? Probably not. But it does make the case for being realistic and for maintaining a healthy respect for people's ability to justify doing the wrong thing if it puts more money in their pocket. It's a good argument for getting financial deals in writing. And for checking the credentials of anyone with whom you do business. And for always being skeptical of people who tell you they are only acting in your best interest.

Consider this scenario: Two old friends go out to dinner. If one earns significantly more than the other, who should pick up the check?

Or this: A neighbor borrows a power mower from the guy next door, and it dies on him. Should he pay to have it fixed? Or one friend lends another $1,200. But when it's payback time, the borrower needs the money for some other purpose. Should she repay the loan, no matter what the circumstances?

In each of these situations, respondents held themselves to a higher standard than they held others to, putting generosity ahead of economic self-interest.

A full 73 percent said they'd repay a loan on time even if it was difficult for them to do so, but only 40 percent expected to be paid on time if the tables were turned and they were lenders.

In the mower scenario, half of borrowers said they would offer to pay the entire cost of repairs, but only 19 percent of mower owners thought the borrower should make such an offer.

As for the old friends having dinner, more than half the respondents who'd been told they were the friend with more money said they'd pick up the check, while only 12 percent of those who'd been told they had less money thought their richer friend should pay for dinner.

The results suggest you can expect more generosity of spirit from your friends, family and neighbors than you may realize. Your less successful old friend may not really be expecting you to pick up the tab every time the two of you go to lunch, and your brother may be more willing than you imagine to give you a little more time to pay back a loan.

Of course, it's also possible that people make offers they don't expect to be taken up on. So, for example, the borrower may offer to pay for the power-mower repair even though he believes that he shouldn't have to. And the lender responds by saying, "Don't worry about it" even though, in fact, he thinks the borrower should be making him whole.

In our financial dealings with banks, employers and other institutions, most of us agree on the right thing to do. For example, 81 percent of respondents said they'd fess up if a bank made a $2,000 error in their favor; 85 percent said they'd never walked into a second movie at the multiplex without paying for a ticket; and 92 percent agreed it would be wrong to share confidential info from a past job with a new employer.

But when friends and family enter the picture, you can kiss consensus good-bye.

Consider: Only two-thirds of those surveyed agreed that you shouldn't charge a relative interest.

And just two-thirds believed that you should never give a large gift of money to a child unless you give the same to your other kids.

Two-thirds may be a substantial majority in politics, but it is anything but a consensus at home. Imagine a big family getting together for Thanksgiving and discovering that Uncle Al has charged Mary's boy interest and that Grandma has given each of her kids $10,000 - even Nancy, who never calls or visits her. There's going to be a lot of friction at that dinner table.

In fact, it's common to have problems over money with the people you're closest to. It doesn't automatically mean that they're dishonorable - just that they have a different perspective.

Of course, sometimes an otherwise ethical loved one can be blinded by self-interest.

Say your mother has recently died and you and your siblings meet to divvy up her personal belongings. You propose that you all take turns selecting something. But your older brother says that his kids should get the bulk of the family heirlooms because they were closest to Grandma. Your youngest sister, meanwhile, believes that she deserves most of your mom's jewelry because she doesn't have as much money as the rest of you and can't afford anything nice on her own.

You may think that's unbearably self-serving, but take a deep breath. According to our survey, the odds are good that your sibling thinks the ethical thing to do is the exact opposite of what you think is acceptable. So accusing them of being greedy will probably be counterproductive since shame works only on people who believe they're doing something wrong.

Stealing is bad. So is cheating on your taxes. On this, the survey shows, we all pretty much agree.

But is it wrong to ask co-workers to contribute to a charity that you care passionately about? Is it fair to attach a string if you give your child a cash gift? Is it okay to put family first when deciding whom to hire if you own your own business?

On such questions, the high and low road isn't always clear. Indeed, of the 65 questions about money and ethics posed in our survey, respondents disagreed dramatically on about half of them.

Your sense of right and wrong on money matters depends in part on where you're coming from - your income, your age, your sex, your life experiences. Go to dinner with a couple in their fifties, the survey reveals, and you'll find they're more likely than younger folks to refuse to leave a tip if the service is bad.

Borrow money from a friend with a six-figure income and he'll be more likely to charge you interest than a friend who earns less.

Keep your salary to yourself and your younger colleagues are least likely to respect your silence.

The most striking distinctions are between men and women. Among people who believe the sexes behave differently when it comes to ethics, greater numbers of both men and women say women are more honorable (although women are likelier than men to think that's true). In fact, women are more likely than men to express concern about ethical issues (to say, for instance, they don't invest in companies that make products they disapprove of ) and to play by the rules (fewer women sneak into second movies at the multiplex or steal office supplies).

They're also more likely than men to favor splitting their estates equally among the kids and to disapprove of attaching conditions to gifts of money.

But it would be a mistake to interpret these results to mean that women are more ethical than men across the board. Sometimes the two sexes simply have different opinions.

There is, after all, no one rule of thumb for dividing up an estate that is, by definition, more fair than all others. Nor is it automatically unjust to, say, attach a string to a substantial gift of cash to your kids. The same moral ambiguity is true of a host of money issues.

There is, for example, no more virtue - or less - in telling your co-workers your salary than in keeping quiet. And there is nothing inherently wrong with charging a relative interest.

Whatever your view on these matters, understand that there are other, equally honorable people who may disagree with you. Just remember that however badly you may feel someone is behaving, that person probably considers himself a paragon of virtue.

Say, "How could you...?" and he'll probably feel insulted.

A better tactic to resolve a dispute: Begin by saying, "Look, I know you want to do the right thing here, and so do I." Then calmly explain why you think your approach is the better way to go.

By appealing to a person's self-image and sense of fairness, you boost the odds that he will be more open to your point of view.