Email | Print    Type Size  -  +

Fitting bonuses for executives this year

So Credit Suisse will reward investment bankers with junk bonds instead of cash? Here are some other bonuses we'd like to see.

Last Updated: December 19, 2008: 4:34 PM ET

(Fortune) -- Kudos to Credit Suisse. Drowning in red ink, the Swiss bank announced it would pay bonuses to senior investment bankers not with cash but with mortgage-backed securities, high-yield bonds, and other forms of the untradeable junk now clogging the world's banking system.

Reportedly, investment bankers at the firm are steaming mad over the plan, but we think the idea is ingenious. After all, if these toxic securities were good enough for Credit Suisse's customers, they should be good enough for the bankers who cooked them up too. Don't you think?

With a little help from my Fortune colleagues, I've compiled suggestions for how leaders at some other organizations should get their bonuses this year.

For General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner: a 2007 Buick Terraza. This clunker of an SUV came with a sticker price of $28,000. Current trade-in value? About $12,000, according to Edmunds.com.

For compliance officers at the SEC: A week-long vacation in Palm Beach, Fla., complete with a parade in their honor organized by Bernie Madoff's investors. (Flak jackets included.)

For Jerry Yang: Yahoo stock options with a strike price so high -- say the $31 a share that Microsoft offered -- as to make them virtually worthless. Oh wait, he's got a bunch of those already.

For executives at Cerberus: 0% financing at GMAC. There's your bailout.

For Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz: a crate of those god-awful bagels his New York stores have been selling. If those are the best bagels Starbucks can find for outlets here, I shudder to think what they're serving in Omaha. (Note to Howie re: my local Starbucks: Bring back the maple oat scones!)

For Viacom's septuagenarian (and newly single) CEO Sumner Redstone: 10 Showcase Cinema movie tickets and a subscription to eharmony.com. Redstone always seems to do better when he's on the prowl.

For the structured finance specialists at credit rating agencies Moody's, Standard & Poor's and Fitch: the hydrogen-powered backyard grill I just invented. I stress-tested the design on my laptop computer, so I know it's triple-A safe. Really. To top of page

Company Price Change % Change
Ford Motor Co 8.29 0.05 0.61%
Advanced Micro Devic... 54.59 0.70 1.30%
Cisco Systems Inc 47.49 -2.44 -4.89%
General Electric Co 13.00 -0.16 -1.22%
Kraft Heinz Co 27.84 -2.20 -7.32%
Data as of 2:44pm ET
Index Last Change % Change
Dow 32,627.97 -234.33 -0.71%
Nasdaq 13,215.24 99.07 0.76%
S&P 500 3,913.10 -2.36 -0.06%
Treasuries 1.73 0.00 0.12%
Data as of 6:29am ET
More Galleries
10 of the most luxurious airline amenity kits When it comes to in-flight pampering, the amenity kits offered by these 10 airlines are the ultimate in luxury More
7 startups that want to improve your mental health From a text therapy platform to apps that push you reminders to breathe, these self-care startups offer help on a daily basis or in times of need. More
5 radical technologies that will change how you get to work From Uber's flying cars to the Hyperloop, these are some of the neatest transportation concepts in the works today. More
Sponsors

Most stock quote data provided by BATS. Market indices are shown in real time, except for the DJIA, which is delayed by two minutes. All times are ET. Disclaimer. Morningstar: © 2018 Morningstar, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Factset: FactSet Research Systems Inc. 2018. All rights reserved. Chicago Mercantile Association: Certain market data is the property of Chicago Mercantile Exchange Inc. and its licensors. All rights reserved. Dow Jones: The Dow Jones branded indices are proprietary to and are calculated, distributed and marketed by DJI Opco, a subsidiary of S&P Dow Jones Indices LLC and have been licensed for use to S&P Opco, LLC and CNN. Standard & Poor's and S&P are registered trademarks of Standard & Poor's Financial Services LLC and Dow Jones is a registered trademark of Dow Jones Trademark Holdings LLC. All content of the Dow Jones branded indices © S&P Dow Jones Indices LLC 2018 and/or its affiliates.