Email | Print    Type Size  -  +

Fitting bonuses for executives this year

So Credit Suisse will reward investment bankers with junk bonds instead of cash? Here are some other bonuses we'd like to see.

Last Updated: December 19, 2008: 4:34 PM ET

(Fortune) -- Kudos to Credit Suisse. Drowning in red ink, the Swiss bank announced it would pay bonuses to senior investment bankers not with cash but with mortgage-backed securities, high-yield bonds, and other forms of the untradeable junk now clogging the world's banking system.

Reportedly, investment bankers at the firm are steaming mad over the plan, but we think the idea is ingenious. After all, if these toxic securities were good enough for Credit Suisse's customers, they should be good enough for the bankers who cooked them up too. Don't you think?

With a little help from my Fortune colleagues, I've compiled suggestions for how leaders at some other organizations should get their bonuses this year.

For General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner: a 2007 Buick Terraza. This clunker of an SUV came with a sticker price of $28,000. Current trade-in value? About $12,000, according to

For compliance officers at the SEC: A week-long vacation in Palm Beach, Fla., complete with a parade in their honor organized by Bernie Madoff's investors. (Flak jackets included.)

For Jerry Yang: Yahoo stock options with a strike price so high -- say the $31 a share that Microsoft offered -- as to make them virtually worthless. Oh wait, he's got a bunch of those already.

For executives at Cerberus: 0% financing at GMAC. There's your bailout.

For Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz: a crate of those god-awful bagels his New York stores have been selling. If those are the best bagels Starbucks can find for outlets here, I shudder to think what they're serving in Omaha. (Note to Howie re: my local Starbucks: Bring back the maple oat scones!)

For Viacom's septuagenarian (and newly single) CEO Sumner Redstone: 10 Showcase Cinema movie tickets and a subscription to Redstone always seems to do better when he's on the prowl.

For the structured finance specialists at credit rating agencies Moody's, Standard & Poor's and Fitch: the hydrogen-powered backyard grill I just invented. I stress-tested the design on my laptop computer, so I know it's triple-A safe. Really. To top of page

Company Price Change % Change
Bank of America Corp... 16.15 0.00 0.00%
Facebook Inc 58.94 0.00 0.00%
General Electric Co 26.56 0.00 0.00%
Cisco Systems Inc 23.19 -0.02 -0.09%
Micron Technology In... 23.91 0.00 0.00%
Data as of Apr 17
Index Last Change % Change
Dow 16,408.54 -16.31 -0.10%
Nasdaq 4,095.52 9.29 0.23%
S&P 500 1,864.85 2.54 0.14%
Treasuries 2.72 0.08 3.19%
Data as of 8:06am ET
More Galleries
50 years of the Ford Mustang Take a drive down memory lane with our favorite photos of the car through the years. More
Cool cars from the New York Auto Show These are some of the most interesting new models and concept vehicles from the Big Apple's car show. More
8 CEOs who took a pay cut in 2013 Median CEO pay inched up 9% in 2013 to $13.9 million. But not everyone got a bump last year. Here are eight CEOs who missed out. More
Market indexes are shown in real time, except for the DJIA, which is delayed by two minutes. All times are ET. Disclaimer LIBOR Warning: Neither BBA Enterprises Limited, nor the BBA LIBOR Contributor Banks, nor Reuters, can be held liable for any irregularity or inaccuracy of BBA LIBOR. Disclaimer. Morningstar: © 2014 Morningstar, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Disclaimer The Dow Jones IndexesSM are proprietary to and distributed by Dow Jones & Company, Inc. and have been licensed for use. All content of the Dow Jones IndexesSM © 2014 is proprietary to Dow Jones & Company, Inc. Chicago Mercantile Association. The market data is the property of Chicago Mercantile Exchange Inc. and its licensors. All rights reserved. FactSet Research Systems Inc. 2014. All rights reserved. Most stock quote data provided by BATS.